Flesh It Out: Let’s Pamper Your Bits!

Hey Fleshbot fans---- Today I am emphasizing self-care as I tell you about two lovely products from Momotaro Apotheca, a “certified organic and cruelty-free vulvovaginal care line that supports your body’s natural ability to heal.”

Sex and life are hard on one’s genitals, especially vagina bearers. Waxing and shaving, scratchy and non-breathable fancy underpants, mustache and beard rides, hormone shifts and periods, fisting, big toys, and the whole concept of “I’m going to beat up that pussy!” not to mention some people choose to grow and push a whole-ass person out of it, sometimes several times. Skin in the genital area for all genders is sensitive, and we like sex, presumably, so we should tend to that to keep things feeling good.

I’m going to preface this review by saying this once in all caps: THESE. ARE. NOT. LUBE.

Neither of these products is meant to touch mucus membranes-- being the inside of the mouth, vagina or anus--- or be applied to anything that will touch those areas right after application, such as penises, hands, or toys. They also are not edible. Really. Please trust me.

There’s a lot of things out there being advertised as helpful products for a happy vagina. Most of them are terrible. Please don’t stuff things up your twat because Gwyneth Paltrow said to. Gwyneth can put whatever she wants in her own apparently nicely-scented bits, but she’s not a medical professional. Neither am I, admittedly, and you should definitely run things by your provider before you start any kind of wellness program, but it doesn’t take fancy schooling to tell that putting dried herbs, porous crystal eggs, any kind of douche product, glitter capsules, undiluted essential oils (yikes!) or any other such funny business in or on your genitals is just plain silly at best, and possibly harmful at worst.

Paraphrasing a friend of mine, your ex’s ghost dick (or any type of bits) is not haunting your vadge, and even if they did leave behind something unsavory, that’s a medical matter. This seems a good moment to mention the plethora of online-based providers for birth control, emergency contraception, yeast infections, STI testing, and other routine matters that are out there to help make that stuff easier and faster. Sexual wellness is self-care!

Image credit: Momotaro Apotheca

Momotaro sent me their Body Oil and Salve to try out. The Body Oil, priced at $39 for a 177 mL bottle, is a skin conditioning oil for all genders. Its base oils are jojoba, argan, and sweet almond, which makes for a light, fast-absorbing product suitable for after bath or shower to be applied to damp skin. It’s suitable for the scalp, hair, and face as well. As to scent, the Body Oil, to my nose, gives a light and almost woodsy citrus scent, which makes sense as it includes grapefruit peel as well as sandalwood, black pepper, and sea buckthorn. It is not something that would clash with a perfume. I see myself enjoying this after lots of chlorinated pool time this summer to help restore moisture.

Image credit: Momotaro Apotheca

The Salve, priced at $37, is a waxy balm in a little 30 mL jar, but it’s not for the lips on your face. It has a coconut and jojoba oil base and contains echinacea, goldenseal, and calendula extracts to help sooth your skin. It’s got a bit of a medicinal herbal scent that I attribute to the tea tree oil, which is used in all sorts of skincare as an anti-inflammatory agent. A little pea-sized dab will do ya, and again, it’s meant for the outer labia, perineal area, and bikini area, not inside! Although the product is aimed at vulvovaginal use, I’d think it would also be helpful for penis folks who wax or shave to cut down on skin irritation on the balls, taint, and FUPA regions as well.

Definitely explore Momotaro’s site for these two products and any others you might need, making sure you loop your healthcare provider in on things, but I’m pretty sure you don’t need their approval for, say, a super fun Support Your Local Sex Worker t-shirt. Shipping is free for orders of $60 and up!