Having a Big Dick Does Not Make You a Good Lover

Mix It Up with Fingers, Tongue, and Toys for Better Results.

It almost goes without saying that we watch a lot of porn. Even if we don’t, we watch enough to know that big dicks are the porn equivalent of the holy grail. Every man supposedly wants one and every heterosexual woman depends on them for an orgasm. Men are, we are assured by what passes for common wisdom, utterly incapable of pleasing a partner if the dick ain’t slappin’. The truth, as any person who’s been with a penis-bearing person knows, is far more complex.

Perhaps it started with Freud, who proposed that vaginal orgasms are superior to clitoral orgasms. Anyone with a vagina and a clitoris will tell you that any orgasm is a welcome orgasm, especially since so many of us have to wait decades to find another person capable of successfully collaborating on one. Just finding the clitoris is a challenge for too many men and what to do with it once they do find it is often a mystery to them.

Given that sexual ignorance is a proud tradition among Christianity-influenced cultures, the inability of men and women to freely think about and discuss their needs and preferences is hardly surprising. So many of us grow up with body shame for not having the “perfect” body or are informed that the one we have is innately sinful that it’s no wonder we wind up muddling through our earliest encounters if not most of them.

And thus, we rely upon rumor and the guilty consumption of erotic entertainment to divine some idea of what is normal and pleasurable. There is a lot wrong with this, alas, since rumor is often uninformed, erotic entertainment is designed to be fantasy, and neither are reliable means by which to educate ourselves about sex. That’s not to say there aren’t things we can learn from porn, but it’s by no means the be-all-and-end-all of sex education.

I’ve “been” with men with big dicks, small dicks, and no dicks at all. The quality of the sex had very little, if anything, to do with the size and a lot to do with how they were used, the positions employed, and any additional forms of stimulation included. In my experience, too often men with big dicks assume that’s all they need. Ya stick it in and move it back and forth for a while and she eventually cums, right? And if not, then it’s probably because she’s frigid or not a very good actress.

Honestly, there has to be more to sex than that.

There is and there can be, but it requires expanding our classification of sex to mean more than a male ejaculation or a largely vain attempt to have simultaneous orgasms. The goal, ideally, is mutual pleasure and an emotional connection of some sort. That may include orgasms, it may include edging, it may include luxuriating in sensuality, and not setting an orgasm goal. Whatever it includes, though, it will likely require a certain amount of frank conversation that many are not comfortable participating in. We’re supposed to be psychic when it comes to what gives our partner pleasure and that’s not fair to anyone, especially those of us who aren’t psychic.

For the majority of us who have to use our words to communicate and to learn from our lovers, topics of conversation can be as simple as asking whether a female partner prefers vaginal or clitoral orgasms. Some women do not like having their clit touched or they have a preference about how and how much it is touched. Some women are one-and-done orgasmers and some prefer G-spot orgasms. Some have no idea since they’ve never had one of either. That just means we get to experiment!

God or evolution, depending on your philosophical view, gave us a pair of hands with fingers, a mouth with lips and a tongue, and the ability to hold and use tools of pleasure such as a vibrator, a dildo, a cock ring, or a strap-on. And, depending on our flexibility, strength, body shapes, and personal preferences, there is a wide assortment of positions and even furnishings that we can use to spice things up and become more effective at the art of love. Exploring power dynamics also has the potential to create a new kind of erotic tension that can raise pulses and body heat.

It's easy to assume that adding cunnilingus, clit stroking or circling, toys, or new positions is in the best interest of small-dicked men, but the truth is that anyone with (or without) a dick can increase their potential to share pleasure by expanding beyond the old in-out-in-out. Fuck spoon and circle her clit with a finger while you fuck from behind. Play with her nipples, hold her hair firmly during doggie, give her more than a courtesy lick, let her climb on top and find her happy spot, allow her vaginal canal to lengthen and accommodate whatever you’re packing, explore dirty talk, add a blindfold so she’s not distracted from what her body is feeling, and don’t be afraid to take breaks to snuggle, giggle, or talk about what’s working and what isn’t.

But depend on the length of a dick like it’s some kind of failproof guarantee of ecstasy for the receiving partner? It’s a trap and everyone is at risk of falling into it. The “average” length of a male penis is a smidge over 5 inches. The “average” depth of an aroused vagina is 7 inches. Getting tangled up in macho dick-swinging contests about whose is the biggest may have entertainment value, but they do little to contribute to anyone’s enjoyment of intercourse.

The path to mutual pleasure requires working with the bodies we have and finding out for ourselves what they enjoy. But we can’t do that if we’re obsessed about the size of a cock and not how well it does the job. In sex, ego is a distraction that only makes it more difficult to fearlessly learn how to make the most of our intimate time. We can take pride in our ability to thrill our partner and get off ourselves while still acknowledging that there’s always more to know.

The good news is that the process of this particular education is likely to increase our ability to de-stress, experience deeper emotional intimacy, gain greater comfort with our bodies and their desires, and, yes, even have more frequent and satisfying orgasms. Plus, honestly, once you get through the initial shyness, it’s a hell of a lot of fun.