The Pleasures of Porn vs. the Horrors of Dating

In Porn, at Least You Know There’s a Happy Ending.

Anti-porn moralists have this idea that those of us who appreciate the sight of one or more people indulging in pleasurable sexual activity don’t want to be intimate with another person because we fear… I don’t know what. Like fundamentalists of any ilk seek a genuine connection with another person based on honest and vulnerable self-revelation and discovery. When someone’s life’s goal is to deny their basic drives and live in denial of their genuine nature, it’s hard to take them seriously. Unfortunately, many of them vote and some of them are in office because of this.

As someone who has both watched porn and dated other humans, I have to say that while there’s a lot to be said for interacting in person, there’s a lot to be said for being left the hell alone to enjoy an uncomplicated 35-minute scene featuring people who want nothing from me. Nothing. They don’t care if I cum within the first five minutes or at all. They don’t have a hidden agenda. They don’t expect a call in the morning, flowers, or a dozen orgasms. They sure as shit aren’t going to show up at the door with a positive pregnancy test.

On the other hand, no matter how much we enjoy a good vicarious shagging, it still doesn’t happen to us directly. We do not give and receive touch. We do not feel the warmth of another body next to ours. We do not hear the impassioned whispers that lovers exchange in barely audible tones. We do not feel the hot breath of another on our bare skin. We are denied the scents and tastes associated with lovemaking, rutting, fucking, or whatever we choose to call it.

Life isn’t fair, in case no one has told you that Santa doesn’t exist. But pornography, as it is defined by a self-righteous society at large, is there to comfort us when that realization is too much. If we take the time to respect our sexuality and educate ourselves on the kinds of porn available and where to find it, we’ll have much more satisfying viewing experiences. If we choose instead to fumble in the dark like an awkward virgin afraid to know what the bits we touch look like, we’re going to wind up watching a lot of camera-captured sex we don’t enjoy watching.

One of the many negative stereotypes about porn fans is that we’re dysfunctional losers who live in our parent’s basements with many empty pizza boxes and beer cans. Some of us are. Same as with any special interest. But porn isn’t just for watching by ourselves because we’re lonely, ashamed, unsatisfied, or fearful that a partner will catch us. Porn can be a regular part of a nutritious sexual menu plan. The trick, as with everything, is balance. Porn can be watched with a sweetie to draw inspiration from or to study a new position with. It can be watched alone so an ill partner can rest. During times of relationship stress, porn can provide an outlet for built-up tension. When we have no relationship other than with ourselves, porn can provide companionship.

And, damn it, sometimes porn is just fun.

That fact that porn star fan bases exist disproves the notion that admirers only see the performers as body parts with no intrinsic humanity. Sure, we all know someone who doesn’t want to see sex workers of any type as worthy of equal respect or of private lives that don’t reflect their professional personas, but most fans seem to have sweet feelings for at least one performer.

Because of this, we now have a variety of cam services. The success of such services and those who make live, customized, interactive content available through them provide millions of dollars worth of evidence that the anti-porn forces greatly underestimate porn fans and our desire to experience an emotional connection of some sort with at least one person whose physical presence we find desirable.

Much to the dismay of those who would legislate us out of existence, porn is more mainstream than ever and the stigma associated with it has at least decreased, if not vanished. Women are increasingly willing to admit that they find visual erotic mediums arousing and as we all become more comfortable with our sexualities, we become more comfortable expressing our preferences, insisting on quality, and thus influencing the art and industry associated with explicit content.

While porn is being perfected, we have other humans to muddle, muck, and fuck about with. We can be honest with them about our affection for blue movies while we come clean about our STI status, previously undisclosed children or marriages, hopes, expectations, relationship style, and favorite fit of condoms.

What they don’t tell us when we’re being shamed for having sexual feelings and indulging them with porn is that true lasting bonds are based on honesty even when it’s scary. And it’s much more intimate and vulnerable to reveal our deepest fantasies and desires to another person than it is to keep them forever hidden and repressed. Maybe we’re not the ones afraid of truly seeing into another person’s soul and embracing the entirety of them. Fapping preferences and all.