Some Thoughts on Intergenerational Sex

Women are Cougars and Men are Dirty Bastards.

Last week I wrote a light-hearted but fact-filled blog about “How to Bag a Cougar.” I received much positive feedback both from women who qualify and men who like that about them. I felt affirmed and supported in both helping those who desire an older female companion and the women destined to receive their attention. Then, as I have a bad habit of doing, I started thinking. What would happen if I wrote the same type of advice for those who dig older men and the older men who appreciate being remembered?

It's hard to find words to describe older men who enjoy relationships with younger folk. Or, should I say, it’s hard to find complementary words. Dirty Old Man, Pervert, Creeper, and far worse; but where are the more positive words? Daddy works, although I’ve met Daddies of all ages, genders, and sexes. Sugar Daddy has a specific meaning that doesn’t always apply.

Once upon a time, there was a porn star named Dave Cummings. He billed himself as the “oldest living male pornstar.” Whether this was a legitimate claim or not is really beside the point. What matters is that the man whose sex life took flight during the time when polite society claims his sex life should have been a memory existed and was much loved when he passed at the age of 79. I may have missed it, but I never heard a word spoken sideways about the man.

So, why the hostility of some to older man / younger lover relationships?

My belief is that this is rooted in two things: 1) reproductive fears, and 2) economic fears, both related to the fact that men have traditionally been in charge, and because relationships between older men and younger women have been far from fair or equal. We joke about our young sons getting lucky with older women but our jokes about our daughters relate to violent threats against their prospective suitors, especially if they’re older. Boys sew their wild oats. Girls are delicate flowers that must be protected.

The truth is far more individual, of course, but the fact remains that those Assigned Female at Birth (AFAB) run the physical risk of pregnancy if the oats that get sewn take root. This fact has been used as a tool for control of girls and women for centuries, so the taboo against older men with younger women has some foundation in logic. It’s quite recent that women have been able to lead independent lives that do not de facto require a man’s financial investment, legal approval, or moral oversight.

This leads us to the stereotype of the Gold Digger; the siren who seduces their way into an older man’s wallet, bank account, credit card, or whatever is available. Given the aforementioned reality about women’s “traditional” place in society, I’m hardly surprised that there are some who take advantage of the opportunity to cash in on their sex appeal. Play to your strengths, ladies. If you can put up with the kind of guy who wants a Sugar Baby or a piece of Arm Candy, then I’m glad you’ve found each other.

Not all relationships between older men and younger women are so transactional. This thing called “love” has a nasty way of showing up at awkward or even inconvenient times. I have a friend whose husband is a good 15-20 years older than she is. They’ve been happily married for at least that many years and likely more. Both of them became sexual and relationship radicals who went out among the people and spoke the good word of sex positivity.

But is there a difference between a relationship featuring a fully adult woman and a more mature man vs. a relationship featuring a young woman and an older or even mature man? There are obvious experiential and social differences likely to exist between the two demographics, but is an older man / younger woman relationship intrinsically abusive, oppressive, predatory, and basically a very bad idea all around?

My crystal ball is in the shop this week, so I’m going to have to wing it and say, “It depends.” It depends on the people involved, the circumstances under which they make their decisions, and the skills and abilities they bring to the metaphorical table. For instance, in some kink circles, a younger Baby Girl may be in a Dominant/submissive relationship with an older Daddy Dom. This may or may not be a sexually intimate relationship, but it still gets into your brain and your body. Then it makes you think and feel. In the wrong hands, this can be a disaster.

Ideally, those who enter into older man / younger lover relationships (be they cis or trans, mixed gender or same-sex) bring with them a touch more wisdom than the average relationship. The average relationship needs a touch or 12 of wisdom, as well, but when we’re dealing with the young and historically disadvantaged, it’s best to know your shit and have some idea where to store it.

Personally, I think older partners who enter such relationships should do so with the intention to both provide a positive role model and learn from their younger partner. Being farther from Social Security insolvency doesn’t make a person stupid, just younger. Likewise, no longer being able to count the gray hairs, assuming you’ve still got hair, is no guarantee that you have the good sense that God gave a goose.

Ultimately, as the yin-yang tattoo I got after Reagan was reelected reminds me, it’s all about finding balance. Part of creating a place where people of different generations can meet in peace, love, and maybe even some lust, means encouraging education surrounding topics like communication on sensitive subjects, how to watch for red flags, how to create and maintain boundaries, and, perhaps most important of all, how to respect and give a respectful “no.”

Ignorance is a big part of what allowed the previous generations of the prosperous and powerful to manipulate groups seen as expendable or lesser than. This has included women, the poor, the disabled, sexual minorities, and sex workers. Whether that manipulation has been intentional, or a reflexive habit almost doesn’t matter because the harm done is the same. It does matter if we want to address it, however.

Any relationship can be abusive, unhealthy, toxic, and FUBAR. Relationships between people of different generations are not protected by magical relationship fairies who sprinkle wisdom dust on those involved. They will sink or swim under their own weight based on a multitude of life choices and strange circumstances.

As a society, we can help support relationships of all sorts by learning about the plethora of ways that adults can express love, affection, and desire with one another. As individuals, we can learn more effective ways to communicate, do our best to model good behavior, say what we mean and mean what we say, work on our own issues, and generally doing our best to unfuck ourselves.

Men have an obligation to identify less than healthy gender-role-based behaviors they’ve slipped into, and women have an obligation to do likewise. We can’t walk our talk unless we’re honest with ourselves about what we’re doing, including when we fall short of the impossible goal of perfection.

However well-adjusted we may be or think we are, I can guarantee that there is somewhere that we have managed to get fucked up in our thinking. So, the work is never ending but always interesting.

In the meantime, I will continue my search for an equivalent male term to “Cougar.”