So, You Think You Want to Swing?

As hosts of a successful podcast all about swinging and hotwifing, we are inundated with questions about how to get started in the swinging lifestyle.  And we totally get it: To many, the idea of either “sharing” your partner with someone else or getting to enjoy sex with others yourself sounds so hot in theory. Today, we’ll discuss how it actually goes down in practice, and some of the serious questions you should be asking yourself before diving into the world of non-monogamy!

First Things First: Why?

It’s the first question we always ask someone interested in being non-monogamous: Why? What about this lifestyle speaks to you? We always tell people that non-monogamy has a way of amplifying anything going on in your relationship already. If you have amazing communication and a solid sex life, both of those things will improve by you being “in the lifestyle.” If, on the other hand, you’re interested in playing with other people because your own relationship has some serious flaws, those flaws will only get worse over time as you venture into this space.

Case in point: We had a coaching client a few months back that was so eager to get into the lifestyle with his wife. He came to us specifically to help him talk his partner into swapping with other couples. When we asked him why he wanted this, his response was, “Well, we rarely have sex, and the sex we do have is pretty boring. So I just really want to spice it up.” We warned him that entering into the lifestyle given the current state of his relationship was a bad plan and would likely result in even more resentment and worse sex between the two of them. He went forward with it anyway and contacted us recently to let us know that his relationship was in shambles, and he should have listened to us.

Non-monogamy is not a band aid for your issues. It should always be viewed as an enhancement to what you already have. The most successful couples in non-monogamy are the ones who tell us they want to be in this space, because they trust their partner emphatically and want to share amazing new sexual experiences with them. Those are the couples that view non-monogamy as a team-oriented activity, and something that must benefit them both to make sense.

Swinging is Not “One Size Fits All”

There is a misconception of what swinging really is. Often, it is thought of as one couple playing or “swapping” in the same room with another couple. While this is certainly the stereotypical view of swinging, it is far from the only option. We, for instance, began our non-monogamous journey as a hotwife couple. My partner, Brian, received sexual gratification from “sharing” me with other men temporarily, only for me to return home to him. What resulted was some of the most intense sex we’ve ever had. Brian has always said he would much prefer that I play with someone else than that he plays with someone else, so a setup in which I am primarily the one having sex with others makes perfect sense for us. That is proof that non-monogamy can look like a lot of different things.

Aside from just couple-for-couple swapping and hotwifing, there are many other dynamics that might make sense for your and your partner. Cuckolding, for instance, is a female-led sexual dynamic in which the female half of the couple seeks out others to play with. Often this dynamic has some level of humiliation attached to it, ie. The woman is specifically finding younger or more hung men to engage with and telling her male partner as much. Another dynamic is one we have recently ventured into: Separate room play. We engage with couples all four of us, only to split off and head to either separate rooms or separate locations entirely to “swap.” This is a fun one, because it creates a lot of sexy build-up and anticipation to hear the story of how my partner enjoyed being with the other woman.

All of this is mentioned to illustrate that swinging can look like a lot of different things. Often a couple will need time to really decide which type of swinging makes the most sense for them, and that’s totally ok too. It’s just important to look at play scenarios through the lens of, “Is this working for us both? Does this turn us both on?”

Swinging is Not Without Its Risks

Non-monogamy can be inherently risky in several ways. The obvious one, or at least it certainly should be obvious, is the risk for STI’s. While the swinging community statistically reports fewer STI’s than the general population (and there’s a reason for that, which I’ll get to), when you are having sex with multiple partners, obviously your risk of contraction goes up. It is general practice in the swinging world to use condoms with ALL partners aside from your primary partner, and to get a full STI screening every 3 months. Seriously, don’t be the reason there’s a huge STI outbreak at a swingers club that makes national news, that’s a bad look for all of us.

Aside from that, though, is the risk that something will happen one or both partners don’t approve of. We of course recommend that all swinging couples spend time discussing boundaries and limits ahead of time, but that doesn’t mean a scenario won’t come along that completely blindsides you both. It is important, in our opinion, to have the following rule as you begin your non-monogamous adventure: “We won’t let mistakes tear us apart.” If one of you breaks a boundary or elicits a feeling of unexpected jealousy, you need to talk about it honestly and respectfully, and move on. The moment you start pointing fingers and holding on to grudges is the moment your non-monogamous relationship will fail.

Another huge risk we have pinpointed in the swinging world is alcohol and drug consumption. We aren’t prudes: We like to party just as much as the next person. But we have a two-drink limit when in play situations or at parties. Far too many relationships have been destroyed because one person got hammered at a party and did something they shouldn’t have. Worse yet, we’ve talked to many a swinger who tell us horror stories of consent violation or blacking out and losing track of hours of time in sexual scenarios. Not ok. Protect your relationship, and ensure you are clear-headed before engaging sexually with anyone.

In other words, if you want to swing, you will need to do what you can to mitigate the risks. Get tested, talk openly with your partner about limits, forgive the mistakes, and put down the booze!

Of course, we are simply scratching the surface here of things that need to be considered by couples interested in swinging. We hope you’ll check out our podcast, Front Porch Swingers, to hear how we handle situations as they arise, plus all of the naughty stories too! Plus, check back here for future writings about the worlds of swinging, hotwifing, polyamory, and more!