Stoya vs. the Uhaul truck

It's very important for you (the reader) to understand that I am drivers license deficient. Vehicularly challenged? Bottom line, there is one place that I do not belong, and that is in the drivers seat of a car. I never learned how to drive, and I like to tell myself that I'm doing my part to help the environment by not owning a car. Really, it's that I'm terrified of running someone over.

So last week when I moved, how did I get all of my stuff from the old house to the new apartment? A big uhaul truck. It actually wasn't very large by truck standards, but to me it was freaking huge. Who drove the truck? Good question. For the driving from uhaul to the old house and the old house to the new apartment part, one of my friends who happens to have a drivers license. We were going to be able to get everything moved and the truck back to the rental place way before License Man had to be at work. It was going to be awesome. We also parked halfway on the sidewalk of a very major street in Philadelphia while we were emptying out the truck. People do this all the time. I didn't know it wasn't exactly legal. Everything was going great, even ahead of schedule. No floor scratches, or wall dents, everything arrived upstairs in one piece. The truck was empty, and what time is it when the truck is empty? Time to bring the truck back.

Ready... Go! Except the truck won't go. It won't even turn on. Two and a half hours later, after License Man absolutely had to run to work before he ended up late, and therefore possibly in trouble with his job, the people who look at trucks that aren't working and fix them finally show up. Apparently this lever thing had to be set to 'park'. I really wish the truck version of tech support lady could have told us this on the phone 180 minutes ago while I still had License Man to drive the truck back to where it belongs. Even drive it somewhere that isn't halfway in the very busy street and halfway on the sidewalk. Which, by the way, the mechanic will not help me with. In order for him to move the truck, it would have to be towed, and he won't tow it because the truck works fine.

Another phone call to Uhaul lets me know that they don't really care what I do with the truck as long as no unlicensed drivers drive it and I don't leave it illegally parked. Oops.

Great. So I start going through my phone. My dad (working 45 minutes away in New Jersey) would be my first call, but he's at work and I feel really silly asking my dad to leave work and come all the way to Philly to drive a truck seven blocks. Especially since if I'd been fully prepared I wouldn't be dealing with an illegally parked giant freaking truck on a major street in the middle of the day with no capable driver. Ideally, I can find someone with a license who isn't at work or can run out for a few minutes, and is amused by antics. Who loves antics? Brian at tlaraw loves antics. He runs a blog that involves lots of girls running around causing antics and sometimes reviewing porn with their boobs out. At the very least he will laugh with me at my predicament and maybe be willing to pick me up from the jail when I eventually give up and attempt to drive the thing myself and get arrested for running into those giant shiney metal art things on the corner of Broad and Washington.

Fortunately Brian works a convenient ten minutes away from my apartment, had a lunch break coming up and is a licensed driver. Here is the side of his head. In the truck of doom. Actually, I just noticed there's some directions on the flip down thingy on top of the windshield. They probably say something about putting the truck in park first.

Completely un-related, but goddamn Penny Flame is fucking hot.