Nate reviews “Sex and the City”

Part of being in a relationship is compromise.  So for every Incredible Hulk, Doomsday and Alien vs. Predator, there has to be a Notebook, or Sex and the City.  So it was with mild anticipation that I journeyed to a local movie theatre to watch SATC.  First, let me give you a little backstory.  I've watched quite a few episodes of SATC, and I get it.  I understand it's cultural relevance and effect that it has had on women.  As my fiance puts it, they are female superheroes.  That leaves me wondering what Wonder Woman would make of all that, but I digress.  However, I have enjoyed quite a few of the episodes I've watched.  I always found the conversations between the 4 women to be honest and real, and the way Samantha was portrayed as an incredibly sexy 40something year old was refreshing and well done.  Now, I have my issues with the concept of complete materialism, but even Tony Stark spends money like these ladies, albeit on things I'd rather own.  So with all that, here's my review of the SATC movie.

****SPOILER ALERT****

Well 4 hours never seemed to go by faster.  Although, I did watch the movie after crossing a timezone, so in actual time the movie actually ran for 8 hours.  The crowd we saw the movie with was about as white as the North Dakota snow.  Even complete with the rather animated type that danced about the movie's credits as if we had stumbled into a Rocky Horror Picture Show event.  They were clapping and gasping and talking amongst themselves, explaining the references to episodes from the show, although those they were explaining it to were fully aware.  It was as if we were witness to a Girls Night Out, except we were at a movie theatre.  But all that aside, I actually enjoy a crowd that gets into a movie.  I'll never forget seeing "Life" amongst a crowd of predominantly african americans, who totally got every last joke - that was a great experience.

But the movie does drag on for ages.  It's one of those in perpetual ending-mode.  And it is terribly redundant and predictable.  About every 10 minutes Samantha shows up, eliciting a "Samantha!" reaction from the girls as they wax nostalgic on how great it is that the gang is back together....again.....and again....and again.  I know the movie takes place over the course of a year, and that she lives in L.A. and all that...but man was this annoying after like the 10th time.  Samantha is nothing short of a buffoon in this movie.  Ditching the guy who stood with her during cancer because her neighbor is hot.  When guys do these things in movies, it's usually relegated to the villian of a made-for-Lifetime picture.  Essentially Samantha in this movie is like Joey Buttafucco, and I'm supposed to like her because of that? 

Miranda comes off as a bit bitchy and plays the "respect me cuz I'm a working mom" thing to annoyance.  Hey...no one forced you to have a kid, and I'm not going to just worship you because you did something almost anyone could choose to do.  Buck up and be strong instead of incessantly demanding that we all cut you slack cuz you got a kid. 

Charlotte is left with the fart and poop jokes, no kidding.  She's the only one who doesn't come off as annoying in this film, and seems kind of left out of the "heavy" stuff, given her fairytale come true storyline. 

Carrie...well let's leave Carrie for last.

Big...well, seems like all his lines were 3 word lines like "well, what do you think".  He was never given the luxury to explain himself or his actions.  We just see the girls feelings about him, which put into that frame makes him look like a totally jackass.  Now I wasn't ever a big fan of Big, he just seemed like a rich asshole who does nothing to yield his wealth.  But at least as a part-time adversary to Carrie, he gave me someone to root for.  His storyline contained the enormous plothole of him trying desperately to contact Carrie, only to never go to where she lives.  His desperate attempts to contact her on the wedding day also contained a gaping plothole where he never once called any of her friends, whom all had their phones on them.  Is he that stupid, or did the writers not think about that.

Carrie's gay friends get about 10 seconds of screentime, and it's relegated to a "shock value" two men kissing scene and just some smiling.  Seriously, her bald gay friend, I don't think has any lines...just smiling.  That's good work if you can get it.

And now for the star of the show...Carrie.  She comes across as the most shallow person in the whole film.  I don't understand how I'm supposed to care about a person that so willingly pisses away money, then wants my sympathy.  Her materialism is overwhelming to the point that everything else falls on deaf ears.  It's always a trick for a filmmaker to take a character we shouldn't care about, and give the audience a reason to feel sympathy for them.  This movie does nothing to make you care about Carrie.  She has tons of money that she can throw away.  She is marrying a fellow wealthy individual with zero concern for money.  She spends her time planning her storybook wedding that few among us could afford.  She writes books where her sole research is talking to her friends and going to fashion shows.  She has terrible taste in fashion, though bold in her bad taste.  Essentially...she's Paris f'n Hilton.  And I would challenge you to find many "strong, independent" women that would put Paris Hilton up as an icon to women everywhere.  I yearned for Carrie to suffer more, and then one day realize that her petty sufferings were nothing compared to the challenges most people face on a daily basis.  "Oh woe is me, which wedding dress should I wear...that which was given to me by a world famous designer?"  Most people getting married have to buy a dress, maybe you didn't cover that in your research all these years?

This movie goes nowhere, and it goes there at a snail's pace.  This movie was like the first 30 minutes of Cloverfield stretched out for 2.5 hours.  The beginning of Cloverfield is nothing  but wealthy, beautiful, yuppies whining about their poor tortured lives until a giant Monster shows up to eat them.  I kept waiting for the Monster to show up and eat Carrie Bradshaw and spit out her designer shoes.  But alas there was no monster to save us, but watching this movie did feel like we were being slowly digested over a period of a 1000 years in the pit of the almighty Sarlacc.

I give it 1 star, for various boob shots.