Is time travel safe?

what an interesting past two days. I'm not even quite sure what all has happened, but I've been to Oakland, Berkeley, Frisco, Burbank, Los angeles, Woodland hills and home in two days. I've spent time with some of the most amazing people that I will tell you about tomorrow....tonights event kind of captivates my thoughts right now. Captivation station.

Tonight I went over to Erotica LA to be on a panel of pornstars answering questions about.....porn. You never would have guessed it I know. Anyway, walking with Ahn of WantedList.com towards the little food court I see someone I know. A familiar face. A face so familiar in fact, I distinctly remember having sat on it. Its xboyfriend/roommate/really good buddy Katzy. And he's in a suit and tie. At a booth.

In my head: If this motherfucker is selling dildos and never hit me up on myspace I'm gonna be pissed.

I stop Ahn and stand in front of Katz until he looks down (I always fall for tall guys, don't know what it is....) and sees me. Standing right under his nose. So I smile and say

Hello.

And he is shocked, but not too shocked considering my current occupation and the nature of the convention, but here we are, face to face, after 5 years of nothing. And now everything is just in front of us.

I ask him silly questions, don't bring the dildo thing up after I look at the sign on the booth, but its funny how after years of not seeing someone you can still immediately picture how they look when you are fucking. I mean there are certain things that people take with them when they leave a relationship, and I think the face someone makes or the intensity of the sex stays with someone long after the relationship ends. We like these naughty little images of our x lovers. Spank bank material.

So he ends up sitting in on the seminar and we smoke cigarettes and catch up on the time lost. He's legit now, got a great job, just living the dream, and I'm doing my obvious thing. We talk about old buddies and just shoot the shit. I do mention Bossman, but only in the sense that I was talking about how I want to get him a girl for his birthday, any girl of his choice, and then have a banging threesome with her, and he tells me that I always did give good presents.

Me: I know. Wanna walk me to my car? I parked right next to China.

Him: Sure, let me grab my stuff.

A little more small talk, or big talk depending on which way you look at it, and we make it down to the ol benzarooni. Finally, chill, music, smoke a bowl, hash out some shit.

Me: That was some shit man. We definitely went through some shit.

Him: yeah, it was all tight, until the end....then it got a little fucked....

(The last time I saw him we got in a physical fight and some pretty serious shit went down....)

Me: well our whole relationship was passionate. Everything we did was dope and there weren't really any dull moments. Anything with that kind of energy isn't going to just die peacefully or simmer out. It's going to explode. Its going to be epic. And it was.

Him: I never thought of it like that. Wow.

I drove him back to his car after the bowl and hugged him goodbye. Said we'll end up kicking it again sometime, and I bet that sometime will be soon. In my head I was thinking this: I would fuck the shit out of you right here on the spot.

Me out of my mouth: Right on Katzy, drive safe.

So we parted ways. And I text him my number, so he has it. And then he text me come back. So naturally I think that he left his keys in my car and when I turn on the light and find no keys I call him.

Him: I just. It was really great to see you. Even for that short little time.

Me: We'll see each other. I know it.

We hang up and he text me to ask 

if he can say something honestly.

I tell him I hope so.

He says that he wanted to fuck me right there in the parking lot when we were chilling smoking. I said I would have too and that's twice now that he's missed out on an awesome sexual opportunity (the first being my old girlfriend Poodle who always wanted to have a threesome with him but thought it would freak him out). So that's twice. And then I remembered why he's my x.

I mean not for the reasons at the time, but I realized that this is not the kind of sexual activity I want in my life. The kind where you think about it, hesitate and then call after she's on the 101 driving home. And then I started thinking that Bossman wouldn't have thought twice about taking me right there. He wouldn't have hesitated in the least. In fact, the first time Bossman and I were together, he made such a bold move that I was a bit worried he wouldn't be able to outdo himself. But he does, on every single occasion. Every time we fuck it's more exciting than the last, and there is never any "I wish" or "I was going to". Its "I am" and "that was amazing". Never any hesitation in taking me. Because he knows how to, knows that I love it. He is open to being sexually courageous, and doesn't care if I shoot him down, (not that I will....ever.....), and its that confidence that makes me crazy for him. Its his own self awareness and total attention to my body that lays the foundation for our mind-blowing sex. And its his brain, and personality that puts me over the top, and makes me not only want to fuck him in the parking structure under his house, but wake up next to him two mornings in a row, on downy soft mascara stained pillows.

It's a shame. If Katz would have had Bossmans balls, we coulda fucked right there. I would have even told Bossman about it, and I bet he woulda got a kick out of it. (one of the sexiest things about him....doesn't seem to have jealousy or envy issues, which I suppose speaks to his confidence. He doesn't have anything to be jealous of....)

So I'm not quite sure where or how this is going to end, but when Katzy text me ASAP please, it broke my heart a little  bit. These sexy encounters can't be planned out. They become contrived, and silly. Especially with ASAP involved. I figure it is whatever it will be. Probably not what he is planning it to be, and probably not what I could imagine it to be, but I'll probably end up seeing him tomorrow, and all I'll be able to think about will be the Boss.

Anybody who has to ask me if they can be honest doesn't feel they can.

That should never be a question. I think there are places in our lives we just may not be able to travel back to. Even if its just a quicky in the parking lot.