Today is the day…..

It was a long weekend even though I got in that last minute snuggle session. Typical to our fashion, Boss and I fucked till the wee hours of the dawn, finally collapsing upon one another around 3:30am. A couple hours of sleep, and I'm out his door at 5:30, to try and get back to my house to....

PACK?????

I totally didn't do anything I should have done before I left. In fact, I went to Texas so ill prepared that I ran out of DVD's to sell on the second night, at the first club in Brownsville. Brownsville you say? Yes. Motherfucking Brownsville. Everything would have been peachy if I spoke a lick of Spanish. Okay, I take that back. I know a couple necessary phrases.

Me: Donde esta Cerveza?

Him: hfiweoa h calh uioewa hfiweoa;fhcn

Me: Donde esta los banos?

Him: hfoajiewh hiwcoahoiuw;he ncjshaaoehwjfnj hifcio;

Me: No toucas mes pechos way!

Him: hahahhahahahahahhahaha

That last one means don't touch my tits, and I tried my best to use it at totally inappropriate times. Like when I was checking my bags at the McAllen Airport.

Me: I can't find my confirmation number, can you help me?

Man at Continental: Que?

Me: No toucas mes pechos way!

Man at continental: QUE???

If  had known Spanish I could have made a fucking killing. A little white freckled girl spitting game to the cartel dudes and drug runners? I could have taken the cows milk and the bitch herself home. Or back to my hotel. Ah yes, the hotel. The first hotel is the best hotel. The concierge knows me, loves my work for Naughty America, and we drunk dial Randy Spears one night while I'm having a naked dance party in the lobby. (yes, there really are some benefits to being a pornstar, one being that you are allowed to take your clothes off at any given time, and hand somebody a video camera, demanding that they film you dancing naked on the table in the lobby of La Quinta.) When my computer was giving me problems connecting to the internet, he came to my rescue, bringing me the Ethernet cable from the hotel office, saying "naw, we don't really need it...."

?

Fine by me. I tried my best to set up my webcam, but the handycam isn't compatible with the mac, so I have to go get a new webcam entirely. I tried to buy one in the McAllen Best Buy. This is how the conversation went. Oh wait, first, keep in mind that it is mid day and I have been drinking shots of patron with one of the cartel vatos all afternoon, who kept getting calls from his girlfriend and questioning why she doesn't trust him (Cuz you're getting shitty in the titty bars with me hermano!!! We both laugh....).

Me: I'm looking for a webcam that is compatible with Mac

Best Buy Guy: A webcam huh? Let me see....

(he walks us over to the webcam area and bends down to read some of the boxes)

BBG: So what do you want to do with a webcam?

Me: (pulling a chocolate chip cookie out of my purse) I'm going to broadcast myself naked over the internet and make hundreds of thousands of dollars. Would you like some cookie?

BBG: QUE??? (as he looses his balance and falls back onto his butt from his squatting position)

Me: You heard me. Hundreds of thousands. You should really look into it. There is a market for everything.

BBG: Let me find my boss, we've gotta have something here for you.

(he walkie talkies his boss and boss says nearest Mac store is a 3 hour drive, ain't nothing here for centabos caliente)

To no avail, there is no webcamera within "worth it" distance so I sleep all day and dance all night. Here are a few of my outfits.

Business attire. You know you'd show up on time for my meetings.

I've been a bad little school-girl and you should probably punish me. Please. 

Good cop? Bad cop? I'm pretty much the ONLY cop you want to be pulled over by.

I am absolutely thrilled for today because today is the day I will do.....

NOTHING. Fucking nothing folks. Here is how my day has gone so far, and how I intend for the rest of it to go.

6:30 wake up and give Boss a good morning blowjob, which turns into a rowdy game of "fuck each other till you're both awake". One of my favorite games EVER.

7:30 Eat a muffin and partake of a delicious cup of Vanilla Nut cream coffee. Yes I got it just because of the "nut cream" aspect. I am a perv even at 7:30 in the morning.

8:00 back to my house, walk to Gelsons and get some more coffee, coarse grind for my French press, Pete's coffee is my crack substitute.

9:00 write in journal, which then is transferred over to blog. Drink coffee and smoke cigarette. Okay, three cigarettes, but two cups of coffee warrants that I suppose.

Now 9:45am finish journal entry.

10:00 go get web cam from Mac.

11:00 Smoke a blunt with this fine ass music producer I met through DSypher.

12:00 go get pedicure and fix broken ass nails (fucking dancing is a contact sport my friends, my shit gets ffffffffuuuuuuuucccccccckkkkkkkkeeeeeedddd up).

2-whenever, Lay in Hammock, and ponder the beauty that is an official "day off."

Its getting hot in the valley folks, so minimal clothing and movement are required. Good thing I enjoy laying around naked all day.

I think its gonna be a good day. Hope yours is too....