My hiatus (aka Fuck it, I’m just gonna be myself)

It has now been almost 2 months since my last blog here at XCritic, during which time I've lost count of how many entries I've done on my personal computer journal.  I've always considered writing to be very therapeutic for me.  Since I was a pre-teen, I've written journal entries in free form, and then gone back to read them and just think about how I approach things.

I have VERY few things in my life which I feel any need to hide from others, even from strangers, so I figured I could say pretty much anything in this blog that I would write in my personal journal. If I thought a guy was cute, I might not name his name, but I could at least talk about and assign him a cute nickname.  ;)

So when a person that I consider one of my best friends questioned how I was able to write personal things about my mother or other things here for perfect strangers to see, I was thrown off. I let stuff that he said get to me. I started to question why I would feel that strangers would read what I wrote, and care about anything I wrote, or not judge me if I wrote something vulnerable. The thing is, I respect him a lot, so those things really made me self-conscious.

That same day, I was writing a blog that was going to end up being a lot more serious in nature than my previous ones. I wrote it. And then I entered it in my personal journal, as I have with everything I've written since.

Two weeks ago, John and I found out that he was being indicted by the Federal government for obscenity. These last two weeks, he and I have had lots of deep conversations about how we're happy with who we are as people, and we can't let other people make us think that something that we believe in is bad or inappropriate. Our career and life choices are obviously bigger examples of what we were really talking about, but on a lesser level, I can also apply that to how I open up my emotions for the world to see.

I REALLY don't have a problem with that. If I hid who I really am, I wouldn't feel like myself. And I don't want to put up barriers that aren't really there.

With that being said... here is the blog that 2 months ago, I was too nervous to post:

I understand that working for Evil Angel means that I work at one of the more hardcore porn companies in the business. And normally, that makes me very, very happy.

Unfortunately, I feel that sometimes, it makes fans feel that just because we show a lot of stuff in our movies, we should just go ahead and show everything under the sun, and if we don't, they're going to send us hate mail.

One of the things we won't put in movies distributed by Evil Angel is anal internal cumshots, otherwise known as anal creampies. There are a couple of reasons for this. The biggest reason is that over the last 10 years, every girl who has gotten HIV while performing in a scene received an anal creampie during that scene. While Evil Angel follows all the industry testing standards for HIV and other STDs with all of our shoots, there is still a possibility that a performer could contract HIV right after a clean test, and have the ability to transmit it to another performer right before their next test. So John and I made a decision that Evil Angel would not distribute scenes that included an anal creampie. We did not feel right about making money off of what we felt was one of the most risky things a female performer could do.

The reason that John and I feel so strongly about this is because we both have HIV, and more to the point, I got HIV from an anal creampie scene in the business. So ever since, I have simply not been able to watch an anal internal cumshot without feeling nauseous. In fact, the first time afterwards that I saw one by accident, I actually did throw up.

Today, as we were going through one of our director's movies preparing it for DVD, one of the Evil Angel staff members brought it to the general manager's attention that one of the scenes contained an anal internal cumshot. I was devastated. It turned out that it was an old scene, and the editor hadn't realized it couldn't be in the movie. So our general manager and I had the unpleasant task of calling the director to let him know we couldn't release the scene. I'm happy to say that the director understood completely, and replaced the scene on the movie. I was so relieved.

So I'm revisiting this issue because we still get customers telling us that they don't understand why Evil Angel doesn't have internal cumshots in the movies from the directors we distribute. It is a very, very personal decision that had to be made, that goes way beyond business sense. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if a girl contracted HIV on an Evil Angel director's set.

- April 23, 2008