Compersion is Love Multiplied

You Don’t Have to be Good at Math to Practice Compersion.

Especially if this is your first time reading my blog, I’ll say it for you: What the hell is compersion? Is that even a word? If it is a word, what does it have to do with porn or anything that has any meaning to my life? Excellent questions.

Some of you may remember that last week I opined about the nature of jealousy and how it can poison a relationship. Boo, hiss to that shit. Jealousy is the passive-aggressive expression of insecurity. It’s why some people are jealous of sex toys, porn, celebrity crushes, or thinking about someone other than them during sex.

The polar opposite is compersion. Just as some struggle to resist the lure of jealousy, others find compersion to be a natural fit. Even if it’s a rough go, a genuine attempt to incorporate the virtues and values represented by the strange-sounding noun is bound to improve relationships, both for individuals and any one or more people we choose to interact with.

In a rough nutshell, I see compersion as meaning that we feel the emotional pain and do it anyway. Or, if there’s no pain, you still accommodate some kind of change to routine or convenience for someone else and theoretically gain nothing in return. While our context can safely be assumed to relate to those with whom we have intimate emotional and sexual relationships, embracing the ideas behind compersion can as easily improve relationships with our non-human pets, our friends, and even those we deal with only briefly. It’s a kind of Zen experience, for lack of an accurate word.

Compersion happens when another person does something that takes us out of our comfort zone. Because we want them to experience pleasure and be happy, even when they want to do things we don’t necessarily want to be involved with, we agree to work through any jealousy or insecurity that results. This doesn’t mean we allow ourselves to be taken for granted, but it can mean sincerely being cool with our partners’ healthy pursuit of their sexual divergences, fondness for football, giddiness at golf, endless tales of the knitting club, time with other openly acknowledged partners, or family members.

The tricky bit, of course, is the “sincerely being cool with” it bit. That may require some courage and willingness to postpone one’s own joy for a certain amount of time. Not out of some nail-me-to-a-cross martyrdom complex but because we want to think and feel things over before we make objections if we have them. Letting go of the idea that we somehow own another person’s time or energy is a great way to avoid a tiger trap of our own making.

For instance, if I think one of my partners is watching too many UFO shows, I will likely keep it to myself. If they tell me they, themselves, are beamed down from a spaceship and here to give me a message that requires us both to be naked and slathered in bear grease, I am going to call that a hard boundary. That’s just me, though. It all depends on what planet you call home, I guess.

Likewise, if I’m bored on (your favorite day here) because the person I usually spend time with is doing something else with someone else or on their own, I see that as my problem. As long as the person isn’t being malicious or withholding their affection or attention in order to make me feel sad, it’s my responsibility to find something to occupy my time. There are still books in libraries and bookstores, as well as available online and in a variety of digital formats. There’s music to listen to live or recorded. There are coloring books waiting to display my questionable artistic abilities. As we well and celebrate, there’s no end to pornographic entertainment.

In other words, there are things I can do other than stew over the fact that someone I love is not with me in that moment or is not engaged in an activity that in some way directly comforts or rewards me.

It may mean learning to enjoy precious solitary time; time for meditation, quiet gatherings of a few friends, the occasional sex toy party, and leisurely masturbation sessions by flickering candlelight. Self-care is important and if I can’t find someone else to take me out and show me a good time, I’m fully capable of doing it for myself. I learned that a long time ago. I’ve just become sincerely, well, cool with it.