Obligatory End of Year List Thing

Not So Much Resolutions as a 2023 Bucket List.

I love year-end song countdowns and I hate New Year’s Eve resolutions. The former is a way to look back at the best of the previous year, which at this point we’re all glad to see go. The latter is a trap set to fall into early in the developing year, so you feel like a failure for not achieving the impossible yet again. If I’m going to feel like a failure for not achieving something I’d prefer it to be something I actually want to achieve. Just seems fair. An impossible goal that I would like to achieve is far more motivating than an impossible goal that requires effort, like eating more kale or going to the gym after the free trial. Or during it, for that matter.

Here, off the top of my head, is a list of items I wouldn’t object to if they were to happen. “Don’t dream it. Be it.”

Learn How to Twerk from Cardi B

There are a lot of high-quality exotic dancers throughout the country, although I’ve fallen out of contact with who’s the reigning Ms. Naked Hot Stuff These Days, even though I live in Strip Club City, USA. Cardi B is probably one of the most famous, if not for her history of lap dances, then for doping and pinching cash from dudes who thought they were going to get lucky after she got off work. Oh, and being an amazing hip-hop artist with a bangin’ body. I have been told that I have a “heart-shaped ass” that’s perfect for spanking. Perhaps that translates into a twerkable ass, as well? Cardi’s a little slim, but she has great butt cheek isolation skills. If I’m going to make a fool of my white and nerdy self, it might as well be under the tutelage of one of my hottest “she should do porn” fantasies.

Learn to Love My Big Beautiful Body from Lizzo

I’ve been doing body-positive activism since forever ago. I even wrote Voluptuous Biker Babes, directed by Carlos Batts and starring the luscious April Flores and Bunny De La Cruz. I wear my clothes well and I have a pretty positive, if realistic, view of my body and it relative attractiveness. I’m also aware that a big part of what makes a person, as well as their body, hot is the confidence with which they animate them. I’d love to write Lizzo at least a softcore script, but even more, I’d like to learn how to beam self-confidence the way she does even when I know a younger version of her shrinks in fear within her heart every time she takes a new risk.

Do Absolutely Anything Megan Thee Stallion Demands

I’m not proud. I’m willing to admit when I’m powerless over an intoxicant, and Megan Thee Stallion is an intoxicant. I would be happy to learn anything from that sexy, sex-positive, statuesque, queer culture icon and hip-hop goddess. How to knit, how to crouch in high heels as a thick girl, how to wear latex, how to do that amazing thing she does with her tongue. Any and all of the above with the possible exception of the knitting. I don’t even know if Megan knits, but I do know that if she does, then she does it like a fuckin’ queen! I, too, want to be a Hot Girl. I’d also like to become better friends with that tongue. You can learn a lot about a person from the way they kiss.

Sort My Stocking Drawer

This may seem like the most realistic of my Bucket List items but you haven’t seen my stocking drawer. It’s about three feet wide, two feet long, and crammed full of stockings, hose, orphan stockings, hose with one leg cut out, previously worn stockings and hose, and stockings and hose still in their packages. The one thing that 97 percent of the stockings and hose in that drawer have in common is that they are black. Kinda like all the women I’ve mentioned in this blog. Black is beautiful, baby, and when it comes to fashion, it goes with everything.

I’ve been goth since before they had a name for it, so you can imagine the confused tangle of woven tentacles I’ve managed to collect over the years. It’s like a wavy puzzle where almost all the pieces are the same color, with just a few random patches of red and white. My hope is that if I sort my stocking drawer, I will not only be able to part with some of them but find my missing garter belts. Hope springs eternal.

Finally, Assemble My Kinky/Sexy Toy Bag

The pride and joy of many a lovable pervert, among whose number I consider myself, is a fine toy bag; something that properly presents your paddles, floggers, whips, vibrators, dildos, strap-on harnesses, riding crops, canes of various types, rope, cuffs, restraints, and other larger items or items that can require special care. I have a medium-sized zippered bag for smaller items. Things like metal claws, Wartenberg wheels, nipple clamps, nipple or clit suction cups, handcuff or lock keys; those kinds of things. It’s always good to have a safer sex kit and at least a minor first aid kit in case any number of things that can go wrong do.

Get My Fucking Life in Order

It really comes down to that ultimately, doesn’t it? "No matter where you go, there you are." The thing is, if I can manage to accomplish these awesome, fun, racy, sexy Bucket List items my life will finally be in fucking order! Of course, I have no idea what order it will be in, but if I can manage to achieve half of these ambitious fantasy goals, I will have a ton of interesting stories to tell during cocktail parties that I hope to be invited to in time. Cardi? Megan? Lizzo? You picking up what I’m putting down here? Call me. Text me. Send email. I’m available. Have your people call my people. Help me make my life right!