Beginner’s Guide to Sexual Fantasies and Role Playing

Sexual fantasies and role-play scenarios are two of the main reasons people watch porn. Everyone wants to fuck (and frankly, get fucked) like a porn star, but what does that even mean? Besides the fantastic almost-acrobatic positions, professional lighting, and stunning actors, porn combines fantasy and imagination with sex. We all want to spice things up in the bedroom and elevate our sex lives. If you have been in a long-term relationship, you know that monotony can be your worst enemy. It doesn’t matter if you’re famous, hot-as-fuck, or a severe bore; we all have to make an active effort to have a fulfilling sex life.

If you have wondered how to light a spark, combining creativity with sex is the answer. It doesn’t matter if you feel shy or laugh in the process because, ultimately, you’re brave enough to try something new. The nature of sexual fantasies is hard to explain. I remember that a female cop pat me down once after a reggae concert in which I may have been indulging in the devil’s lettuce and may have been lucky enough not to have any on me (anymore). But when she pushed me against the wall, something inside me clicked, and ever since then, I love the fantasy of “being naughty” and “getting in trouble” with someone in the position to discipline me, cuff me, or tie me down. The possibilities are endless. Maybe you miss casual hook-ups and can have a date with your partner while pretending to be someone else. According to sexologists and experts, other common scenarios involve escorts, strippers, cheerleaders, teachers, blackmail, non-consent, dominance, and submission.

What exactly is role play? The author and sex educator Midori defines it as “make-believe, private games for creative adults for the purpose of intimacy, pleasure, joy, and sometimes—but not always—hot sex.”Exploring fantasies and role plays with someone you trust is essential for beginners. Getting started might be awkward and funny, so you want to find someone who will laugh with you and not at you.  That’s why the first step in role-playing is having an honest chat with your partner about expectations, boundaries, and fantasies. Role-playing is an invaluable tool when it comes to sex. Not only to keep it fresh and exciting, but research has shown that it can even help heal sexual trauma. You can recreate any scenario, sexy or traumatic, and end it healthily and happily. The reason for the role-play can inform your approach and execution, so be mindful of your goals as you get into it. After all, no two relationships are the same. Therefore no two roles are. Ro White explained:

“In my case, role play is about way more than letting my shameless imagination run wild—it also helps me stay present during sex. If you struggle with negative body image, gender dysphoria, PTSD, ADHD, or anything else that affects your ability to stay grounded in your body during hookups, you might benefit from having a character and a scene to focus on. It’s hard to spiral or get distracted when you’re wearing a cowboy hat and delivering your best fake Southern accent.”

Setting boundaries is the first step in any role play. Don’t feel pressured to do something because your partner likes it; there are infinite possibilities, and you will find something you both enjoy. When it comes to role-playing, it’s easiest to start with what you don’t like and don’t want to do. For example, talk about whether you’re a dom, sub, or willing to switch. What sexual acts are you not ok with? What kind of language turns you off? Choosing a safe word is a convenient way to let your partner know you’re not enjoying something without killing the fantasy completely.

Set a scenario. Some fantasies and role plays require preparation, time, and planning. You may want to find a costume, make a reservation, or find some toys and accessories. You don’t have to write a script, but it helps to have a general idea of where the fantasy is going. This is also the perfect time to respectfully negotiate boundaries and set a dynamic. It’s ok if it feels silly or uncomfortable; give it a chance. Start small and slow. My wife is an introvert, and we’ve found that sexting is a great way to set the stage and get into character without her feeling shy.

Some scenarios to try

• Classic power dynamics include boss/employee, teacher/student, guest/maid, nurse/doctor/patient, fitness instructor/student, landlord/tenant, etc. These scenarios are great for beginners because it’s a power dynamic most of us are familiar with. For example, a boss can ask his secretary to come into his office and type a sexy and erotic letter to his lover, making the secretary horny and jealous. Another option is running into each other in the breakroom in a compromising position after you both thought you were alone in the office.
• Roommates that are talking about a sexual act or kink that one of them is into and the other wants to try…but nobody can ever know!
• Strangers
• Long-distance—try Skype/FaceTime sex even if you’re not in an LDR
• A massage therapist that is into very deep and oily rubs.
• Food delivery is a fun option for taboo topics. Maybe you don’t have money to pay for what you ordered but are willing to find an alternative.
• Non-monogamy—one person remains themselves, and the other is a stranger
• Photographer and model
• A firefighter that saves a citizen just in time, and they share a passionate kiss in the heat of the moment.
• Sexy nurse and submissive patient
• Stern teacher and naughty student

Working from a familiar power dynamic also creates a “follow the leader” game, so if one or more participants feel shy, they can hand over authority to the more confident person and let them be the teacher/boss/evil stepmother. That said, you can always play yourself. A version of yourself that is doing something you’ve never done before, like fucking a delivery guy when you don’t have cash. Please don’t take it too seriously, or it won’t be fun. Remember to have an honest chat with someone you trust, set boundaries about fantasies, acts, and words that are not ok, and choose a safe word. And dear reader, check in with your partner when you're done. Be physically affectionate, share snacks, and encouraging words, and ensure your partner is ok. This is an excellent time to go over what you liked and didn’t, so next time is even better.