Fuck Machines: How to Choose and How to Use

Last week, something that started as a joke became an unexpected personal challenge. A good friend assumed that because I’m a sex worker, I would be able to, out of the top of my head, recommend the perfect fuck machine. I WISH! I’ve used more than a few sex toys, but not a fuck machine. Well, not yet. After telling my friend that I would give her my recommendation the next day, I realized that I could spend a week researching fuck machines and still not know. Yes, I’m an over-achiever and a middle child with the typical “I can do better” mentality. But all jokes and childhood trauma aside, there are A LOT of options with different gadgets and extensions you can add. My first advice when looking for sex toys is not to be cheap. You will be inserting this or using it around your genitals, so make sure you research and choose medical-grade materials. It’s the least you can do for your dick or vagina.

Source: European Association of Urology

The history of sex toys dates back 40,000 years ago. Honestly, it’s impossible to tell if those first “artifacts” were figurines meant to honor fertility deities, phallic-shaped erotic art, or sex toys. But we know that we humans have a history of being kinky and horny. So regardless of what the artifacts were intended for, I’m sure some considered them sex toys. Remember that the world-famous Hitachi Wand is technically a massager, and food isn’t meant to be used for sex. Ancient dildos were made out of stone, bone, wood, and even bread in Ancient Greece. In ancient history:

“The first known type of sex machine was invented purely for medical reasons. A second-century anatomist, Galen thought that hysteria in unmarried women was caused by "female semen" entering the bloodstream. It was therefore necessary for women to be medically prescribed masturbation (performed by a doctor) to extract the "female semen" via orgasm. This belief carried forward over the centuries.”

Source: https://9gag.com/gag/agY6r6x

I mean… I can think of a few women to whom I would prescribe masturbation, but the idea of a “doctor” using strange artifacts and instruments to fuck vulnerable women until they orgasm (whatever they meant by that) is beyond cringy. And if you were a woman in the 19^th century and did anything that wasn’t considered acceptable behavior, you were hysterical. One of these doctors, who had spent many hours masturbating hysterical women, came up with the idea of building an automatic device. Steam power took his idea to the next level, and the first ever fuck machine was built in 1869. It was called “The Manipulator,” and an American man invented it. It was a medical tool used to cure hysteria.

Fast forward to the 1970s, and the sexual revolution brought the birth of the modern fuck machine. Their use was consistent up to the 2,000s when online shopping and discreet packaging made it possible for kinksters everywhere to explore and try everything and anything under the sun (as long as it’s available online). So dear reader, take notes and get ready for the ride of your life!

Things to consider when choosing a fuck machine:

1. Are you willing to invest in a good sex machine that is durable?
2. Is your priority price, quality, or portability?
3. Are you looking for a DIY project or something ready to use?
4. Material quality: As I said before, for safety, you need to make sure that the toy is safe and well-made. Non-porous silicone prevents bacteria because it resists germs and is easy to clean. As for the machine's working parts, you want something sturdy and durable.
5. Add-ons and attachments.
6. Motor and thrusting power: do you want more settings and options or prefer a simpler model? Before choosing a model, look at the depth capability, design, and settings like vibration.
7. Discretion and storage: do you have enough room to put the machine away discreetly if necessary?
8. Return policy: because these machines are pricey, you must make sure that you’ll be able to change it if you receive the wrong product or if it’s not what you expected.

Tips and tricks:

1. Use lube!
2. Remember that sex and orgasms happen in the mind, body, and soul.
3. Stay calm and focused.
4. Use stable surfaces.
5. CLEAN YOUR TOYS AND MACHINE BEFORE AND AFTER EACH USE.

After looking through several websites, blogs, and reviews, I found these fuck machine attributes to be ideal for a stationary machine:

1. Stroke length: 1.2-6in (3-15 cm)
2. Motor strength: 100W, 300N
3. Speed: 0-240 RPM
4. Warranty: 1 year
5. Attachments: silicone dildo
6. Adjustability: 90 degrees and height
7. Wired or remote
8. App controlled

After looking through several websites, blogs, and reviews, I found these fuck machine attributes to be ideal for a tabletop machine:

1. Stroke length: 1.2-6in (3-15 cm)
2. Motor strength: 45W, 140N
3. Speed: 0-200 RPM
4. Warranty: 1 year
5. Attachments: silicone dildo
6. Adjustability: 30 degrees and vertical
7. Wired or remote
8. App controlled

After looking through several websites, blogs, and reviews, I found these fuck machine attributes to be ideal for a portable machine:

1. Stroke length: 1.6in (4 cm)
2. Motor strength: 4.6W
3. Speed: 0-240 RPM
4. Warranty: 1 year
5. Attachments: silicone dildo
6. Adjustability: 120 degrees
7. Weight: 5lbs (1.3 kg)
8. App controlled

Ultimately, the best choice for you depends on what you’re looking for. These attributes are intended to serve as a guide so that you know how what you look at compares with the best. Premium fuck machines can cost over $1,000, but if you can compromise on premium features, you can find great quality machines for $300-400 and good quality machines for $150-200. If you want something less pricey, keep your eye on reviews that mention stability, noise, and adjustability.