Top 15 Sex Acts I Learned About Using Urban Dictionary

September 23, 2022
ARIANA LEVI

September 23 word of the day: sext-husband. “A husband that was divorced because he got caught sexting another person.”

Aaron Peckham founded Urban Dictionary in 1999. It is a crowdsourced online dictionary for slang words and phrases under the motto “Define Your World.”

Define your world… if you’ve ever used the site, you understand why that being our definition of our world is concerning. But that’s all the food for thought you get today!

You know how much I care about you, dear reader! That’s why I did all the dirty work, and after considering becoming asexual, pulling my eyeballs out, and locking myself in a dark room for the rest of the day, I have a list of the dirtiest and raunchiest sex acts. These are my favorite sex acts that I only know about thanks to Urban Dictionary:

1. Fetch: The sexual act involving a dog, a ball, a woman, and a volunteer. The volunteer throws the ball, aiming it into the woman’s vagina. Once the ball is successfully thrust into the woman’s vagina, the dog runs and attempts to grab the ball from the woman’s vagina, often eating her out in a rough manner. Once the dog returns the bloody ball back to the volunteer, fetch has been performed successfully.

I’ve seen women put ping-pong balls in their vaginas and then push them out towards an excited audience but picturing my overly-eager-to-play 60 pound dog running towards my vagina (never mind her trying to fetch the ball IN my vagina) is nightmarish!

Here’s another one from the same user:

1. Lobster Dinner Special: The sexual act of putting a live lobster inside a woman’s asshole, tail first. The woman’s sexual partner puts his erect penis into her vagina, and while performing, the lobster cuts up the balls.

I will try to put this sex act in a sentence.

Did you hear about the guy that came into the ER crying and bleeding profusely from his balls? His wife ordered a Lobster Dinner Special… the poor lobster didn’t know what it got itself into.

1. Bean Special: The asexual act of putting raw oysters inside a woman’s vagina. The oysters are left inside overnight. Taping the vaginal lips is often necessary to ensure that the oysters stay put. Once the woman wakes up, her sexual partner eats all of the oysters out using nothing but his mouth.

I sincerely hope nobody has ever done this before. I wonder what nurse Ebony Mystique would say to someone considering not only putting oysters in their vagina but leaving them in overnight. Sexual education is EVERYTHING!

1. Rabid Dog: A strange sexual act where a guy ejaculates in a girl’s mouth, then she bites his pens. This act makes her resemble a rabid dog with cum as “raby foam.”

Ummm. No, thank you. This would undoubtedly make the Blowjob Horror Stories sound like lullabies.

1. The Panamanian Petting Zoo:When one forces one’s partner to pick the nuts and corn out of a bowel movement. The partner then presents the nuts and corn in a cup or a dish. One then tosses the nuts and corn onto the bed, where the partner eats them like a goat or other typical petting zoo animal.

1. Canadian Sex Acts: Various sexual positions and acts, mainly including maple syrup, beavers, or riding a Mountie on the back of a Zamboni.

I hope all my Canadian readers are staying safe this weekend. And you’re very welcome for the sexual inspiration you were searching for (wink-wink).

1. The Kentucky Klondike Bar:The act of freezing a bowel movement and sexually penetrating another with the frozen bowel movement.

Have you ever licked something frozen and had your tongue stuck to it? Imagine frozen shit glued to any of your holes… I found another similar sex act that is slightly more sanitary.

1. Space Docker: A turd in a condom – put it in the freezer for a few hours and then use it as a dildo.

This is the example sentence provided by Copernicus: “Proper dildos are expensive, I prefer to use a space docker.”

1. Alabama Hot Pocket: “When you fill your girl’s pussy with shit then fuck her until it burns.”

#Classy

1. Spicy Dragon: When your partner has COVID-19, and you still want some sex. To stay CDC compliant, you 69 with your partner. The World Health Organization has found this actually gives immunity to the non-infected partner. As a result of this finding, Fauci is now advising Spicy Dragon to all.

Just in case, THIS IS NOT TRUE. Remember the “define your world” motto?

1. Angry Pirate: “Girl is giving you a blowjob, but you tell her you don’t want to finish her mouth (play the nice guy angle). Instead, you hold her head close as you finish in her eye (right eye preferable). As she stumbling around like a hobo, you kick her in the shins really hard. As you’re running away, peek over your left shoulder. If you’ve done everything right, you should see an angry pirate!”

For mental health reasons, I need to assume this dude is a teenage virgin who, despite being very “creative” online, has never fucked.

1. Mississippi Birdbath: Filling a southern girl’s mouth with Kool-Aid, making her get on her knees with her mouth open while you dip your balls in it.

1. Honolulu Handshake: The act of a nun swimming underneath someone at the beach and subsequently giving them a handjob, to the immense surprise and delight of the recipient. Although the act is not well known, it is surprisingly commonplace. In fact, the Honolulu Handshake, along with its common variant, the "Pope Grope", is the third most commonly practiced beach activity enjoyed by nuns, preceded only by Guatemalan knife fights and building sand convents. In a 2005 poll, over 78% percent of nuns worldwide confessed to having given a Honolulu Handshake at least once in their nunhood, while the other 22% responded "Honolulu Hand-what?" while smiling and winking mischievously. The Honolulu Handshake has alternatively been referred to as the "Sister Tickle", the "Penguin Peekaboo", the "Miami Heresy", and, somewhat less creatively, the "Surprise Nun Weiner Yank".

I want to be clear, no poll or research was ever carried out. It’s hilarious and creative, but it sounds more like a porn movie than science! LOL

1. Blumpkin: Getting a blowjob while sitting on the toilet taking a shit. It has never been pulled off & anyone who would do this is probably someone you wouldn't want doing it to you.

1. Blumpkin con Queso: While performing a blumpkin, the individual exercising fellatio wears a sombrero loaded with chips and queso dip, allowing the receiving party to enjoy simultaneous south-of-the-border pleasures.

These user-submitted definitions have to be the wildest and most unsanitary (disgusting) sex acts I’ve ever heard of. If I missed one of your favorites, tweet @Fleshbot and @ArianaLeviX to tell me about it. Just in case this wasn’t enough to unsettle you, here’s an extra sex act that I hope nobody has ever, and nobody ever will try:

Munging:

1. Go to a graveyard with four of your buddies
2. Dig up Fresh corpse (female) and have a gang bang.
3. Afterwards, one of them puts their mouth over the vagina.
4. Someone jumps on the stomach, shooting all the cum and maggots and such into the person's mouth. They swallow it.