What Porn Gets Wrong About Poly

It’s Called Compersion, Not Wife Swapping.

As an adult human person with decades of experience writing about, presenting on, and practicing polyamory I was excited when AVN added a Polyamory category to its annual video awards selections. Then I watched some of the videos nominated for the category and wasn’t as excited anymore.

It’s not that the sex wasn’t up to its usual quality. It wasn’t even necessarily about any questionable acting ability on the parts of the performers. It’s that what was being presented as polyamory was, in nearly every case, anything but polyamory. Or not polyamory as I know it. Polyamory as I know it involves a lot less fucking the hot bi teen babysitter, less cuckolding, fewer surprise threesomes, and way less anonymous sex. That’s not to say that there aren’t poly people who delight in any one or all of these pleasures, but it’s hardly a default. Also, it promotes an annoying stereotype about poly folks; essentially, we’ll sleep with just about anyone. You know, like those disgusting bisexuals.

Except for bisexual ciswomen, of course. Those precious “unicorns” are worth their weight in cunnilingus and fairy dust. They do exist, women whose desire is to partner in a triad with a pre-existing couple, but they are few and far between. The chances of having chemistry with one person are so uncertain that expecting two people who are already in partnership to both spark desire and love in the same person is pushing it. Not impossible, just not likely.

In my experience looking for a “unicorn” is often the sign of a couple that’s newer to poly and feeling some insecurity about expanding their circle of emotional intimates. It also speaks to the straight male fear of another man’s dick in the equation. For whatever reason, it’s less threatening to know your wife is getting it on with another chick. Another dude? That’s competition.

So, yeah. Not as much fucking the hot teen babysitter as one might have been led to believe.

But a lot more bisexual men. I’ve always felt that poly is the perfect default relationship structure for bisexual people in general since there’s no need to “pick a side.” Poly also considers same-sex and trans-inclusive relationships to be on par with male/female relationships. I like having options.

Poly also has a lot more oral sex, by which I mean a lot more talking about sex. As great as poly sex can be, it’s not generally the primary reason people engage in poly connections. Even being Friends with Benefits puts the friend before the benefit, which is presumably having sex with your friend. Adding an intimate partner is like dropping a rock in a pond. Depending on the pond and the rock, it can create huge ripples or just make a cute little “bloop” sound as it breaks the surface.

This, of course, makes for horrible porn footage. But it can inform scenes, add a sense of “this could happen to me,” and even model some examples of positive behaviors and motivations. I know people say that porn can’t/shouldn’t/doesn't have a responsibility to teach, but I think it has the capacity to do so. As the creators of 21^st Century erotic or erotically themed content, we have the power and the talent to both titillate and educate.

Younger porn consumers have different standards than previous generations. They’re more open to learning how to try what they see and discuss it with their partner/prospective partner(s) before doing it. They are also more likely to call us on our bullshit. Providing even minimal context (which is, after all, porn’s strong point) would be helpful to those for whom non-monogamy plots spark an interest.

Like it or not, our work affects the lives of other people. Hiding sexual information or making it difficult to access has done nothing but harm to humans. It has reinforced the fetishization of skin color, body hair, and breast size, for starters. It has supported the marginalization of so-called sexual minorities unless there’s been monetary gain to be had by their exploitation. And, it has led to unplanned pregnancies, the transmission of STIs, and dysfunctional relationships; none of which had to happen.

Knowledge really is power and, whether we’re creating content about polyamorous copulations,  sex between light and dark-skinned lovers, or a trans encounter, it doesn’t hurt anyone to buy, rent, or steal a clue and know what we’re talking about. Since sharing is caring, it only makes sense to make sure the consumers of our various products are educated and thus fully able to enjoy and, yes, sometimes even learn from the results of our efforts.

So, yeah, fewer hot bi teen babysitters and more drinking age, fully and knowingly consenting hot bi babe or dude babysitters. With or without penises. Cuz representation matters.