Exhibitionism: Fetish or Paraphilic Disorder

While researching the recent incident involving an exhibitionist and a naturist, I noticed that mainstream outlets were only describing exhibitionism as a paraphilic disorder. It can be, but as a kinkster who happens to be a psychologist and a writer, I feel the need to explain that consent is the difference between a fun fetish and a mental disorder.

Source: https://www.quora.com/Is-exhibitionism-more-prevalent-among-women-than-in-men

Usually, what makes an emotion or behavior pathological is whether it affects and, if it does, to what degree, different areas of your life. A pathological emotion or behavior involves, is caused by, or is of the nature of physical or mental disease. That means some people might feel anxious often but can manage it so they can continue living normally. But other people feel so anxious that it affects their relationships and work. It might be because of something neurological, or maybe the person doesn’t have the tools and doesn’t know how to manage that anxiety. It doesn’t matter how or why a person is experiencing this extreme, compulsive, and obsessive emotion and behavior. What matters is what you do about it.

Mental health is not our fault, but it is our responsibility.

I think about that every day. Every time I see or read about someone suffering from a mental disease, I wonder if that person is being responsible and doing everything they can to be well. Because, dear reader, people with mental disorders suffer, and so do those around them.

Maybe, possibly, they are ok most of the time. But the consequences of pathological emotions and behaviors are simply inevitable. The case of the exhibitionist and the naturist is a great example.

I have always written about kinks and fetishes from the point of view that assumes consent so that I can focus on positive and fun details. But evidently, that’s not what this article is about. It is about self-care, respect, and consent.

Naturists understand that to preserve their naturist/nudist philosophy and culture, their nudism can not be sexual. It is about people living in their natural state. It is not about eroticizing nudity. And that is the exact opposite of exhibitionism.

Exhibitionism as a consensual kink is “when a person experiences sexual excitation from the fantasy of being observed naked or engaged in sexual activity, or from actually being observed while naked or engaged in sexual activity.” This is very common. Think of the porn stars that get wet (or hard) fantasizing about the people who are going to watch them.

Last year, Zhana Vrangalova, Ph.D. professor of human sexuality at New York University and sexpert for LELO, researched fantasies. Her study showed that 66% of men and 57% of women fantasize about having sex ‘openly in a public place,’ and both genders fantasize about having sex in an ‘unusual’ place, including offices, public toilets, etc. Like everything else in psychology, exhibitionism exists on a spectrum that goes from perfectly healthy to getting shot at a nudist beach.

This list should help you figure out if healthy, consensual exhibitionism is something you might enjoy exploring:

1. You fantasize about being watched. If thinking about someone seeing you naked or having sex helps you climax, you might have a delicious kink to explore. However, if you need to imagine this scenario, you could have a fetish and should consider exploring it with other consenting
2. An early memory of your sexual self involves being observed.
3. You enjoy putting on a show for your partner. An exhibitionist might be very aroused when dancing, masturbating, etc., for their partner.

Men who enjoy sending dick pics usually tread the line of consent. Don’t assume somebody wants to see your dick! If you are not sure, be a gentleman and ask. I want you to keep this in mind; if the person receiving the photo didn’t request it or consent to receive it, that person becomes a victim of your paraphilic exhibitionistic disorder. And I’m sure you don’t want to think about the person seeing your dick as a victim.

For many people, exhibitionism as a consensual kink isn’t enough. For example, this guy has been married for two decades and has difficulty satiating his exhibitionist fetish consensually and legally. This is his testimony:

“I’ve painfully shared this fantasy/fetish with my wife. I’m not fully clear on what I expect her to do about it. She seems to be accepting. Part of me feels like sharing my fetish with her somehow diminishes a portion of the guilt I feel from my own desires. She is far less adventurous than I am, and I don’t want her to feel pressured to do, feel, or say anything if she’s not comfortable doing so. I feel like I’ve understandably only caused her worry that I’m going to get arrested someday. We’ve occasionally exposed ourselves to each other in public and even been sexual in public settings, but she is far less risqué than I am. I get off on being in public settings with my zipper down (shopping, driving, pumping gas, etc.) and pretending like I don’t realize it. I’ve actually discovered a cashier at a local hardware store that actually tries to get a better view when I am checking out with my zipper down. But I know it’s the wrong environment and I shouldn’t be doing it. I want to be a decent person that doesn’t cause anyone harm. I seek a consenting respectful adult that enjoys watching, in person. I’ve performed in safe spaces online for people, but it tends to be boring and not quite what I desire. I’m not looking for another sexual partner or even a side relationship. I simply want to be watched and desired in person. I’ve seen a sex-positive therapist about it, and honestly, it only made me want to expose myself to them. There are several sex clubs and nudist groups that I’ve always been curious about. Unfortunately, unless my wife is just as curious and has the natural desire, I firmly have no interest.”

 When sexual behaviors cause distress or harm or interfere with a person’s ability to function in daily activities, they are considered a paraphilic disorder. It is important to note that partners of people with a paraphilic disorder are affected by this and may feel like an object or as if they are unimportant or unnecessary in the sexual relationship. Since he wasn’t in sex clubs or nudist groups when he wrote this, we can assume that this guy’s wife doesn’t have the ‘natural desire’ to participate. However, the conditional grammar in that last sentence leads me to believe that he is very likely ignoring her non-consent and insisting. Regardless of the ‘terms and conditions’ regarding monogamy in their relationship, just the legal risks of exposing himself in public inevitably affect his wife.

He mentions feeling guilty about his desires, but he’s not harming anyone with his fantasy. He should feel guilty about his behavior and about victimizing the people he is exposing himself to.  Nonconsensual exhibition of genitals and masturbation is, very simply put, fucking selfish. Like the French exhibitionist, he prioritizes the thrill and endorphin rush he gets over people’s feeling of safety and well-being. Mental health is not your fault, but it is your responsibility.