10 Lesbians I’d Love to See Do Porn

Stick with Me, Baby. I’ll Make You a Star.

During my 10 million years watching porn for a paycheck (as well as a deep love and reverence for its performers), I have watched a lot of porn. Included among all of that porn has been what we in “the business” (by which I mean, “the industry”), call “girl-girl” porn. Some people call it lesbian porn, but that assumes there are lesbians appearing in the porn, which hasn’t always been the case.

There’s this thing called “fan-fic,” which stands for fan fiction. This porn-infused sub-genre of erotica relies upon characters from popular fiction to drive it. Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock; Harry and Hermoine; Harry, Hermoine, and Ron (btw -- fuck J.K. Rowling); Bella, Tanya, Edward, and Jakob; Batman and The Joker; and so on. I think you get the point. It’s basically hot jack and jilling material starring mainstream characters we would like to see have sexy times.

Sometimes real people are the focus of the fiction, but I think of that as more of an everyday sex fantasy. Some people consider even fantasy to be cheating. Those people tend to be zero fun in any context. Avoid them.

I don’t have a lot of make-believe characters that I’m particularly jonzin’ to see terrorize my childhood memories by turning into porn stars. But I do have some real, live womenfolk that I wouldn’t mind seeing cross over from the mainstream into the oldest form of art known to humans: pictures. Ok, they didn’t have moving pictures during the caveman days, but if they had, they would have wanted to see these women go to town in authentic, pulse-pumping, clit-circling, labia-sucking, g-spot stimulating Sapphic finger dancing lesbian sex.

In no particular order, I present my fantasy list of 10 famous mainstream lesbians I’d love to see do porn.

K.D. Lang: Do I really have to say anything about this woman and why I have a “Constant Craving” to see her roll around naked with her face buried in another woman’s girl bits? She isn’t the sleek, angle-heavy butch with the smooth style that she was back in the 1990s, but she’s still every bit as delicious and talented. I’ve also heard she lives in the Portland area. If that’s true… K.D.? Look me up.

Jane Lynch: Another hot butch with a penchant for the ladies, Jane has acted in projects as diverse as The L Word, Glee, and The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, in addition to doing voice work for animated films. It’s easy to imagine Jane as the stern gym teacher who needs some one-on-one time motivating her students to higher levels of physical excellence. That may require a thigh-mounted dildo, but what better way to build up the gracilis, obturator externus, adductor brevis, adductor longus, and adductor magnus, am I right?

Cassandra Peterson aka Elvira: We didn’t know but we sure the hell hoped that Elvira wasn’t straight. Is it the deep neckline, the unnaturally elevated bosom, the skintight dress, or the impossibly high, raven-wing black bouffant, but she is a vixen of the 11^th degree. Even with that voice, she’s a sizzling duchess of dark desire. Whether the hostess of the weekly B-movie worshipping Fright Night television series, stirring the soup in Elvira: Mistress of the Dark, or in Rob Zombie’s upcoming The Munsters movie, she is so hot that it really doesn’t matter which end of the strap-on she wants to be on, just so long as she’s there.

Ruby Rose: What if Batman just vanished and his totally fuckable niece took over the role he was too big a woosie to keep doing? That’s Ruby Rose and woman o’ woman does she rock a Batwoman suit! And those tattoos! And that hair! And that face! And that everything!

The soft butch genderfluid Australian has been an MTV presenter, a Maybelline model, and Stella Carlin in season three of Orange is the New Black in addition to looking mouth-wateringly wantable in form-fitting Kevlar as Batwomen. I might even consider being vegan long enough to find out how well she uses that animal and animal by-product-free mouth of hers.

Megan Rapinoe: When the winger and NWSL captain accepted the Presidential Medal of Freedom it completely changed my opinion of wearing white. I don’t care if it’s before, after, or during Arbor Day or whatever holiday you’re not supposed to wear white after, but that bitch (and I say that with the utmost respect) can wear white any damn day she wants. Or she can strip it entirely off and run naked across a soccer field. I will support her in either decision. I think Megan is so yummy that I’d watch a game of soccer to see her in action. Given that this would cut into my porn viewing time, that’s saying something.

Sarah Paulson: Yow! I would not fuck around and find out with Sarah Paulson because she looks like she doesn’t play games unless the game is darts and we are the board. This is not a complaint, mind you, just an observation. She’s starred in a buttload of movies I’ve never seen, as well as played a lesbian in The Other Sister, which I have also not seen but which speaks to me because I also have a mentally disabled sister. Sarah apparently likes older women, so I might have a chance, but even if I did, I’d expect her to be the one wielding the whip.

Kate McKinnon: I’m guessing that people had a clue about Kate’s sexuality by at least 2007 when she joined The Big Gay Sketch Show for Logo TV, but I admit I didn’t know for sure that she was a big ole lesbian until I wrote this blog. Knowing that, I totally want a date with her because she’s funny as hell and her brain totally needs a dose of missed Adderall. I loves me a smart woman, especially if she can make me laugh. And really, if you can’t laugh during sex, then you’re probably going to be the only one not laughing, so yuck it up.

Melissa Etheridge: This songstress can “Come to My Window” any time she wants, although it’s possible it could get creepy if it happened often and unexpectedly enough. During her early days, she was somehow able to make money working at LA lesbian clubs as a performer, and about the time she came out as a lesbian, which was probably a surprise to maybe her mom, I entered to adult scene as a writer. Truly, a historic period in adult entertainment history.

Hannah Gadsby: The hottest smut often comes from the most unlikely of sources, so Hannah should create some hot as fucking lava porn! As an autistic, genderqueer comic there’s so much room for pathos and passion. Yet another Australian, she looks simultaneously dapper and nerdy as hell in her jacket and shirt, which translates into immediate vaginal wetness. Plus, she’s funny as all get out and you know how much girls like girls with a sense of humor.

Sappho: Born way before even the Super 8 and VHS days of porn, Sappho was actually bisexual, if her love poetry is any evidence. But they named female same-sex attraction and love after her, so let’s all hear it for Sapphistry and the glorious island of Lesbos upon which it flourished! If the idea of a woman who is talented with her words writing a poem praising your beauty and the yearning that other women feel for it, Sappho is your same-sex date to the prom.