How to Fuck Up a First Impression

An Introspective Blog Post Written by an Expert on the Subject.

During my eight million years writing about sexuality, I have been called a lot of things. A lesbian who hates men. A man pretending to be a woman. A demon sent to condemn the souls of my readers to some Bronze Age hell. You know, the usual shit directed at women who don’t know their “place.” Actually, I know my place. My detractors and I merely disagree about where that is.

These accusations are sweet to my ears and my eyes, however. None of them (except the hating men part) are anything I’d be ashamed of being. I’m not keen on the sending people to hell thing, either, but I don’t believe there is such a place. Although Houston may come close.

Unfortunately, it’s not always people we don’t care about who come away with a less than stellar opinion of us based on our own words. I’ve certainly put my size 8.5’s into my mouth and proceeded to keep talking, especially online, where the hole you dig for yourself can get mighty deep due to the anonymity and sense of freedom associated with virtual communications. Even if we know the people we’re exchanging text with, it’s easy to let a sense of unwarranted intimacy allow us to overshare emotionally or internally intimate thoughts that haven’t gone through the proper filtering channels. Or maybe that’s just me.

A bad habit that I don’t have but that baffles me beyond words is the tendency of some men to send dick pics to people that they fancy sexually. I can only speak from the perspective of a cis woman, but even without all the porn I’ve seen, I’ve seen a lot of pictures of penises. Some of them have been quite attractive but permanently attached to the kind of guy who sends a woman he doesn’t know a dick pic. This is about as sexy as walking up to me and sticking your hand down my pants without permission.

Does either tactic ever result in anything other than blocking, deleting, reporting, a slap across the face, or a snarky response?

Of course, once we’ve stepped on that dick or extracted that foot from our mouth, there’s the resulting fallout to clean up. Did we hurt someone’s feelings? Did we offend someone? Did we cause someone harm? No? We should probably double-check because chances are good that we actually did at least one of these things and need to make some sort of amends. It may be a sincere apology. It may be 18 years of child support, birthday and Christmas gifts, plus some college.

In order to create a kinder community, however we’re defining community, this is an important step in the process. Because we do not live in a kinder human community at large, the whole process can feel awkward, alien, and impossible. We will stumble. We will fall. We will come off looking like an ass or a fool. But there are things worth getting banged up or laughed at for. Making things right, walking our talk, living in integrity, ever-growing toward to sun; these are important.

As the Wiccan Rede says, “An’ it Harm None, Do What Ye Will.” As the New Testament reminds us, “By their fruits ye shall know them.” Believers or not, the latter is a wise observation and serves as a filter through which our dick pics and impulsive words should pass.

Sadly, making a poor first impression is a lot easier than making up for a poor first impression. Lost trust takes time to return, positive changes must become observable habits, feelings need to be processed, and thoughts need to be sorted. It all takes time, and in a world of quick video cuts and instant communication, the time feels even more eternal. That doesn’t mean it’s not well-invested, however.

Ironically, making amends requires its own extension of trust that redemption is possible, that the Prodigal Poster can sit at the table with others in peace once again. It’s hard to say, “I’m sorry. I blew it. I fucked up. I apologize. What can I do to make things better,” and then follow through. It’s humbling if you really experience what the process has to offer. It’s torture if the injured parties are reluctant to contribute to a solution. But creating a kinder world isn’t about what other people can do. It’s about what we can do. What I can do.

I write gooder than a lot of people and generally clean up well for in-person interactions, but lately, I’ve been failing spectacularly in some areas of my online communications. I want to fix that. I want to contribute to a kinder world and to do that I have to be a kinder person even when I feel tempted to disappoint myself later. And there’s no better time than the present.

Here’s the easy part: “I’m sorry. I blew it. I fucked up. I apologize. What can I do to make things better?”

The hard part? Listening with an open heart and a calm pulse, then turning my good intentions into realities. Being personally responsible for one’s words or actions generally sucks, especially when it happens after the fact. The emotional stains are harder to get out if nothing else. But in an unkind world that lacks meaningful rites of passage, learning to shut up and listen, to not send unsolicited genital shots, and to become a better Self seem worth the effort.