Madonna – Whore Complex Explained

“Where such men love they have no desire and where they desire they cannot love.”
-Sigmund Freud (1925)

The perception of women as saintly Madonna figures or debauched whores hasn’t changed much in the last 97 years.

Why are we still talking about Freud’s theories? His theories are still being discussed despite lacking scientific proof. He was one of the first psychologists to study how adult behaviors and beliefs are influenced by experiences we had as children, even if we don’t remember them.

Today, some of his ideas are still as controversial as they were in the 18th century. But let's review the concepts that led him to what he later called the Madonna-Whore Complex.

Freud first described this dichotomy in 1925 when he was studying psychological impotence.

Psychological impotence means a man is struggling or unable to maintain an erection because of stress, depression, guilt, low body image, relationship issues, mental illness, sleep disorders, anxiety, etc.

Oedipus complex: When children are 3-6 years old, they hate their fathers, want to have sex with their mother, and this leads to them having castration anxiety.

Castration anxiety: The child fears damage being done to their genitalia (literally or metaphorically) by the parent of the same sex as punishment for their sexual feelings towards the parent of the opposite sex.

FUN FACT: Freud believed boys and girls react differently to the Oedipus complex. He theorized that girls experience penis envy when they transition from having attachment to their mothers to being in competition with the mother for the recognition and affection of the father.

FUN FACT:  In 18th century Europe, it was common for parents to threaten their sons with castration when they misbehaved. I don’t know about you, but I’m suddenly less scared of the boogeyman!

Basically, from age 3-6, boys fear losing their penises because they want to have sex with their mothers. To avoid anxiety, as adults, they learn to avoid feeling sexual attraction to women who remind them of their mothers. Hence the maternal Madonna vs. whore dichotomy.

FUN FACT: He believed this was true even if the mother was cold or overprotective. In that case, the man will start a relationship with a Madonna (like the other men), looking to fulfill the need for maternal intimacy (like the other men). However, the repressed negative feelings toward the mother will return, and the man still won’t be able to have a positive sexual relationship with the Madonna.

So, out of fear, anxiety, jealousy, resentment, or anger, men, according to this theory, cannot have a positive sexual relationship with someone they see as loving, respectable, saintly, and maternal.

This is called compartmentalization, which happens when our minds cannot incorporate or synthesize information. It’s a defense mechanism in which we mentally separate conflicting thoughts, emotions, or experiences to avoid the discomfort of contradiction.

How is it still hard for men to accept that “lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets” is a widespread phenomenon? Being a woman is complicated as one plays many roles in life. But the same is true for men! It’s just that in the fiber of our understanding of our society and the world, a mother, a sex worker, a business owner, and a sister can’t be ONE person.

It is interesting because even though today we understand that human relationships and sexuality are MUCH more complicated than this, I often hear men say things like, “she’s more than a sex worker to me.” I want to believe that even though it doesn’t sound like it, it might be an attempt at a compliment. They’re actually trying to say; that if it comes down to Madonna vs. whore, she’s not just a whore. FYI, guys, this isn’t a compliment in any context.

For example, a guy subscribes to OnlyFans and sexts with his favorite porn star every morning. With time, he begins to appreciate her, their time together, and slowly realizes she’s just trying to pay her bills. He respects her work and effort but would strongly object to his wife doing the same thing for the same reasons.  In his mind, the porn star is “more than a sex worker” because he understands she is an entire woman who plays many roles in her life. But she’s still not a Madonna-like saint-wife who, in his mind, is incapable of lust, hedonism, and debauchery.  THAT is a defense mechanism. These women are in different “categories,” so “it’s ok” if they’re not held to the same standard.

Have you ever heard someone say something racist followed by “but I’m not racist, I have tons of minority friends”? They’re not only saying it to make you think they’re not racist; they’re saying it to themselves. They most likely have difficulty separating their life-long opinions from their feelings for certain people they know and love and the experiences shared with them.

I know my church-attending conservative mother sometimes has difficulty sharing her opinions on controversial topics with me. Not because we disagree since we both appreciate that and see it as an opportunity to understand a different point of view. But because it’s hard for her to, for example, accept what is said about same-sex marriage in her church when she feels happy and embraces that I’m same-sex-married to someone she loves.

Think about how popular (and profitable) the “Girlfriend Experience” is. It requires a woman being sweet and considerate enough to make you believe there’s a relationship without forgetting that the nature of the relationship is a sexual transaction. This also got me thinking about these new content creators with a brand that exists in that middle ground. They’re young and created a persona that is cute, shy, and “unaware” of how sexy they are, thus maintaining all the appeal of the whore and the innocent virtue of the Madonna.

Today, the Madonna-Whore Complex isn’t reduced to a married man having a mistress as it once was. It’s more subtle, but it’s still everywhere. A woman can be either a Madonna or a whore, and it’s tough for us girls to find a middle ground between being respected and being desired.