The Joy of Not Giving a Fuck

Our Inner Critic is Often a Big Ole Bully.

If porn has taught me anything, and I assure you that it has taught me many things, it is that there’s nothing wrong with how I look. My body is fine the way it is, scars, gray hairs, skin rolls, and everything. That seems counterintuitive since I do not look like a “porn star.” But what does that even mean anymore? In the days of 4k HD Smell-o-Vision and instant access to a wide variety of online performer types, it means that anyone with sex appeal and a camera can be a porn star even if only in the relative privacy of their own bedroom.

I’m not going to pretend that I’m up on all of the latest cis female performers, whether on cam sites or working for video production companies. After all, I’ve been watching a lot of gay porn lately. And I mean a lot of it. But it has reinforced the message that straight porn is finally spreading like a set of thick thighs saving our lives. In a world of gay men who can see the sexy in a fat, hairy bear as well as the allure of a saucy, smooth-chested twink, it’s great to see the desirability of a body like BBW April Flores’ presented with as much respect as that of a slender vixen like venerable performer Jessica Drake. It gives me hope for the future in a strange way.

And then we have actresses such as Nina Hartley and last week’s featured interview subject, Sexy Vanessa. At aged 60 and above, they remind us that sexuality and beauty remain throughout our lives if we allow them. In Nina’s case, we’ve had the opportunity to watch her move through many stages of personal growth and exploration, all of them hot as hell. Vanessa entered the industry as a mature woman with an already notorious past and has only continued to get sexier and more self-confident with the years. The ladies are inspirational to female fans of all ages.

What does any of this have to do with anything? On some level, all of these women don’t give a fuck. While I’m sure that each has their own personal critic still telling them they don’t measure up in some way, they’ve put a muffler on that internal voice, keeping it at a dull roar or perhaps even a pleasant purr. Likewise, I strongly suspect that all of my heroines care very deeply about what other people think about them, in part because women are trained to feel responsible for the emotional states of others and to be concerned about their judgments. But there’s a difference between taking the opinions of others under consideration and being overwhelmed and controlled by them. And that is where the joy of not giving a fuck comes in handy.

When you don’t give a fuck, you get to live in the present instead of regretting the past or dreading the future. You can love the body you live in now and not wallow in nostalgia about the body you remember having or become lost in fear about the body you’ll have as you age or other major life events happen to it. Pregnancy. Cancer. Weight gain. Weight loss. Surgery. Amputation. Bad hair. Acne.

When you don’t give a fuck, you have more room for compassion. No longer expecting perfection from ourselves we’re less likely to expect it from others. It’s not that our standards drop, it’s that they become more realistic and forgiving. We see the beauty in the entire garden and not merely in a handful of flowers. A medium that has been repeatedly and often justifiably accused of reinforcing negative or harmful stereotypes about gender, sex, race, age, body size, and so much more has inadvertently become a messenger of ever-increasing equity and parity.

While COVID-19 has obviously been a horror to the human race, it has also been an opportunity for a major reset of attitudes and behaviors. We’ve mostly botched that, unfortunately, but out of necessity we’ve gotten some things right. Connecting with others online has been a huge part of our social life during the pandemic and virtual work including that within the adult realm has provided many a homebody a chance to keep their bodies at home and safe while still making money and socializing with friends, subscribers, fans, students, and the occasional creepy wannabe suitor.

Ironically, living a more virtual life has made it easier to connect and share an ever-increasing sense of community. Yet at the same time, it has stripped away some of our patience, tolerance, willingness to compromise, and ability to give a fuck. It’s one thing to just not give a fuck what people think about you anymore and rather another to just not give a fuck about people in general. As with so many things, the secret is in the balance of ingredients.

Having been raised to criticize and compare ourselves unfavorably to others, as well as give too much credit to the opinions of strangers and unhelpful loved ones, adapting and employing the power of not giving a fuck is one of the most life-altering actions we take. It’s not that the opinions of others don’t have merit or value, it’s that they don’t have more merit or value than our own opinions. Likewise, our bodies, as flawed and beautiful as they all are, have value and merit regardless of how some people think another person’s body should look.

So, join me in praising both the increasing body diversity of pornography and the liberation that can come from just not giving a fuck.