Shame Lemons and Kink Lemonade: Cuckolding

If life gives you shame lemons, make a delicious kink lemonade. So, what is cuckolding? I’m not a fan of the “official” definition but since I’m also not a fan of heteronormative stereotypes, let’s talk history.

Sex therapists define a kink as something that a person likes to do with themselves or consensually with partners. A fetish can be an act (like watching people have sex) or an object (like feet) that must be present for the person to get aroused and experience sexual gratification.

Sometimes, simply fantasizing can be enough- hence the success of platforms like OnlyFans. But others might need to actually engage with the behavior or object in some way. Kinks and fetishes can be anything that brings extra erotic energy to a sexual encounter. For example, you’re having sex, you realize your neighbor saw you through the window and feel humiliated, but it turns you on; that’s kinky. But you have a fetish if you need to feel humiliated to get turned on.

Of course, we’re not talking about a “vanilla” anything- however subjective that might be.  Your parents might consider using a vibrator during sex kinky, but your best friend might be unimpressed. However, cuckolding is unlikely to be described as vanilla by most people.

A cuckold takes pleasure in watching their partner have sex with someone else. Traditionally, it’s a man whose wife or girlfriend is having sex with other people, and there’s usually an element of the man being mocked for his wife’s lack of sexual interest in him. Still, it’s enjoyed by couples of any sexual orientation, gender, roles,  etc.

FACT: There’s an evolutionary explanation for this fantasy's “mocking” element.

Did you know that the term “cuckold” originated as a reference to the cuckoo bird? Females often lay their eggs in other birds’ nests, leaving another bird to take care of them and make sure they hatch safely. Why do they do this? Cuckoo hatchlings grow faster than other birds, leaving the unsuspecting adoptive parents confused, constantly feeding the cuckoos and eventually tossing the smaller, weaker hatchlings to their death.

That’s why we started describing (and mocking) men with unfaithful wives who were unknowingly raising children who aren’t biologically their own as cucks.

Although it isn’t always the case, some cucks still fantasize about their wives getting impregnated by a lover (therefore raising children who aren’t biologically their own).

FACT: People have been writing about and mocking cuckolds since medieval times.

FACT: In the patriarchal medieval world, it was a common belief that cucks simply could not control their women.

FACT: On the most superficial level, to call someone a cuck is a way to call them weak and unmasculine.

FACT: Cuckolding has become fetishized into a powerful sexual fantasy for some men and women.

Like most things, this fantasy comes in many colors, shapes, and sizes (literally). The term cuckolding has evolved to the fetish or kink we’re more familiar with today in which a person (often called “the cuck”) gets turned on by their partner (often called “the cuckoldress”) having sex with someone else (often called “the bull”). Like most other kinks and fetishes, the exact definition is up to each couple’s interpretation and what each person is happy to consent to.

In researching for his book  “Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help Improve Your Sex  Life” Justin Lehmiller, author of “Insatiable Wives,”  surveyed 4,175 Americans and found that 52% of heterosexual men, 26% of heterosexual women, 66% of non-heterosexual men, and 42% of non-heterosexual women had fantasized about cuckolding. I consider it relevant to take a minute and think about this difference. American women are socialized to accept that “sex isn’t everything.” If your partner is a good provider, kind, and respectful, you must take whatever sexual gratification they can provide (if any). Even if the sex is mediocre, sex isn’t everything.

Even though cuckolding was initially viewed as a heterosexual phenomenon, we are quickly breaking away from those heteronormative stereotypes. It’s no longer just about the “weak” husband who is an unknowing victim of an insatiable wife and a “real man” or bull.

Writer Dan Savage joined Lehmiller and David Ley and expanded the research to include 580 gay men. The findings suggest that although there are similarities in how gay and straight men view cuckolding, there are apparent differences, and the motivations behind the fantasy can differ. The most notable differences are the interracial and BDSM elements of the fantasy, which are more prevalent in heterosexual cuckolding.

The study shed some light on why the fantasy is different in the LGBT community. Cuckolding isn’t quite as taboo when the norm or standard isn’t lifelong monogamy. This means that (for these men who participated in the study) fantasies of voyeurism and group sex provided taboo and novelty. Consensually non-monogamous people can more easily take joy from another person’s satisfaction.

I’ve been told many times by different men that cuckolding provided a safe space for them to explore potential interests in other men. And power to them for being proactive and finding what tickles their pickles! If there’s ANY part of this that sounds interesting, remember that COMMUNICATION is the ONLY essential part of cuckolding. It can be a lot to process for someone who doesn’t expect it, so baby steps are the way to go. Make sure your partner knows and understands why you want to explore this fantasy. Maybe you want to see your cuckoldress receive the pleasure you feel she deserves but realize you can’t provide. Or perhaps you want your cuckoldress to show you how to please a bull better than you could ever do on your own.

What makes cuckolding different for each couple depends on what they think is taboo. We know it’s not cuckolding if there’s no element of humiliation, degradation, or denial. We have the ability to use our imaginations and make delicious kink lemonade when life gives us shame lemons.