How to Not Break Newbies

Please Do Not Fold, Spindle, or Mutilate Those New to the Scene.

First kink experiences are a lot like first sexual experiences. So many of us have something unfortunate to remember or try to forget about them. Often these are the result of poor communication, not knowing our desires and limits, misunderstanding cultural norms, having an unrealistic view of safety, playing with unvetted people, and generally not knowing what we’re doing.

There are ways to avoid enduring or contributing to these miseries. Most of them are the kinds of obvious, common-sense things that don’t occur to us until someone else points them out. The excitement of exploring previously uncharted personal territory can cloud our judgment as effectively as a shot of liquor or a snort of Molly. Likewise, playing with what we in “the Scene” call a “Newbie” can be equally intoxicating for experienced Tops and Doms, especially those whose ethics and play style may not align with those of the person they’re playing with.

• Slow the Fuck Down: I know it feels like you have to do everything in one play session, but it’s not true. Frankly, I’d rather keep myself on a short leash (heh) until I know who I can safely hand it to than risk personal injury to myself or others by letting my heart or my hormones get the best of me. If nothing else, doctors and police officers make me nervous, so I want to limit my contact with either of them as much as possible. By not doing things I or the other person know little or nothing about, our odds of surviving and enjoying the experience are greatly improved.

• Know Who’s Safe: It’s easy to get caught up in the moment and decide to try something new with someone new. There’s nothing wrong with that, but it pays to vet potential play partners, especially if you’re planning to go where you have not gone before. If you’re tapped into the local community, you can ask people In the Know About Such Things. This can be a munch or party host, a titleholder, a venue owner, a community organizer/activist, or an educator. It can be friends who’ve seen some things and have stories to tell. This is not a guarantee that hosts, titleholders, venue owners, friends, or anyone else you talk to will know what they’re talking about or have anything to report, but your chances are greatly improved by connecting with people who know people and go to places where things are happening.

• Learn About Your Pleasure: Whether it’s deep-throating, fisting, genital torment, flogging, spanking, or playing with rope, there’s always more to learn. Fill your mind with knowledge so that your decisions can be based on some degree of familiarity with your topic even if you haven’t engaged in the activity yet. It’s the 21^st Century, which means there’s some garbage fantasy nonsense that should be consumed purely for entertainment and there is some high-quality sex and kink educational materials available online, in books on DVD, via Zoom and in-person workshops and classes, and through various clubs and organizations. It doesn’t matter whether you’re on the Top or the bottom, continuing education is a wise investment in gaining play partners and keeping them happy and safe.

• Find Community: A lot of ostensibly “vanilla” people are admitting that there’s more to their hot forbidden fantasies than they’ve previously let on. This is good on a lot of levels but makes it easy to be vulnerable to predators and injurious mistakes if they don’t know enough to speak with others about their hopes and desires in a confident, informed manner. With COVID, in-person gatherings have been severely scaled back but are starting to return, so it’s especially important to learn how to be as safe as possible and find the support that a community can provide. A new wave of young people are now old enough to openly explore their bodies and a previous wave is woefully out of practice. Now is a good time to locate an online resource such as FetLife, where online and in-person events are listed and people interact, if not always in a praiseworthy manner.

• Be Kind: Just because you’re going to let someone hit you or you’re going to hit someone else doesn’t mean you have to be mean about it. Unless that’s your thing, of course. But there’s real mean and there’s kink mean. Real mean is impatient. Real mean is indifferent to the wants and needs of others. Real mean doesn’t honor boundaries, agreements, or limitations unless it can do so with a sense of resentment or impending doom.

Whenever possible, making the choice to be kind will serve us well. It doesn’t mean we’re “nice,” it means that we pay attention, we care, we have patience, we develop understanding, and we work on our own personal issues, as well as develop our sex/kink skills and abilities. In this way, we don't become one of the people newbies need to be warned about.