Location, Location, Location

It’s Not Just What You Do, It’s Where You Do It.

Once upon a time, there was an adult performer named Dave Cummings. He was 79 when he passed away in his sleep. He worked in the industry starting at the age of 55 and continued into his 60s. He was a good guy. During one of those fancy porn biz conventions that existed in The Before Days, we flirted and wound up discussing porn sex locations. Not locations like mansions and alleyways. Locations like countertops and couch backs. Places where performers physically engage in actual sexual activities in front of a camera.

Although sex sometimes happens in bedrooms, as Dave pointed out to me, it rarely happens on beds. Let’s face it, anyone can fuck on a bed. It takes a professional to take it up the ass with one leg over someone’s shoulder and the other rested on the edge of a kitchen island, all while balancing on a tall bar stool and sucking cock. Try that, Olympic athletes.

No, really. I’d love to see some Olympians in exactly that position. Until that unlikely event, I’ll just continue to provide my “anything for science” approach to porn and the many things we can learn from it (and it can learn from us).

The first thing we can learn from porn is that sex is a dramatic, acrobatic enterprise even when you’re mad, passionately in love with someone. It is possible that you may have to occupy and work well within four dimensions in order to contort into some of the positions required to be a true-blue porn professional. We’ll study what some of those mostly exotic positions are in a future update.

This time we’ll focus on a few of my favorite “Don’t Try This at Home, Kids,” porn sex locations.

The Ubiquitous (White) Couch: If there is one place where people in porn seem compelled to have sex, it’s on the couch. Or sofa. I’m never sure which word I should use to describe them. Nearly any interior residential scene has a couch somewhere and, dollars to donuts, chances are good that if there’s going to be fuckery within the walls of the abode, at least some of it will happen on the couch cushions. While your standard couch is still popular, I’m seeing more sectionals these days. It provides more surface area to work with and probably lessens some of the risk of falls and injury. Given that so much of the anal and vaginal copulation, as well as oral sodomy, takes place on the arms, the back, or piledriver against the front of the darn thing, I’m amazed more people don’t wind up in a world of hurt.

I have seen carnal acts performed upon couches of many different colors. Mostly, they are just hardworking gray or brown couches doing their best to support the arts. But there is one type of couch that rises above all others. If you watch enough porn, you will see that what I say is true: there is no couch like the ubiquitous white couch. It’s everywhere! It’s not just because some sets are used by multiple studios for multiple scenes. White fuck couches are everywhere! Why? Do they hide the cum stains better? Do they make the set look more expensive? Do they enhance vitality and erectile function? Is it a regional couch fetish unique to Southern California? I don’t get it. Somebody, please explain the seductive power of the white couch to me so I’ll understand. 

The Amazing Self-Sanitizing Kitchen Counter: Where better to swap intimate body fluids than on the same surface you prepare food on? This seems like an especially wise place to have sex with the dishwasher repairman when you’re sneaking around behind your spouse or parents’ back. They’ll never think to look in the kitchen! And just think about the lumbar support you’ll enjoy on that unforgiving surface while pounding or being pounded by your loved one or friendly pick-up. And cold? Yes, please!

The Upscale Office Desk: An enduring fantasy is the job interview or daily office routine that turns sexual. It doesn’t matter whether the boss or secretary is male or female, you just know they’re going to wind up on top of that office desk at some point. Given the flimsiness of many tables and the high velocity with which some couples (or more) engage in the actual business of fornication, some of that sex seems high risk. How scary the scene gets depends a lot on what the budget for desks is.

If it’s a massage or buffet table, for instance, it’s going to have a different weight capacity for copulation, which will affect what kind of position you can throw your back out while doing. Again, it’s got a cold, flat, hard surface and there’s often clutter on it. Or there is in a real office. Porn offices are often surprisingly un-littered by electronics, paperwork, other office furniture, or much else that resembles an office. But you can bet there will be a table and probably two chairs. And they can all be fucked on, until the boss catches us, assuming we’re not the boss or actively banging the boss. It’s our fantasy, after all. 

Expensive-Looking Poolside Loungers: If there’s one thing they’ve got in Southern California, it’s swimming pools. Also, donut shops, but that’s an only slightly related topic since there is precious little porn shot in donut shops. But wouldn’t that be sweet? Anyway, everybody has a swimming pool in SoCal and almost any of them worth splashing in have probably had porn of some kind shot by them. The nicer the pool, the nicer the loungers. If we’re lucky, we also get a grand view of The Valley.

Swimming pools serve two purposes in porn. The deck is a place to strip, pose, and maybe dance near during a tease intro. The chaise lounges to be found along the sides of the pool are where masturbation and partnered sex can take place. So, it’s a lot like the average American home except for the pool, the loungers, and the partnered sex. I am frankly impressed by the durability of some poolside chaise lounges. I would never have expected a three-body pileup on one to cause so little environmental impact.

Miscellaneous Unlikely Locations: If it has something resembling a flat surface, a carefully trained sex professional can use it as a platform for theatrical erotic gratification. I’ve seen pool tables felt wrecked by gangbangs, the hoods of cars probably dented by deep thrusts, and things done on top of motorcycles that would make you weep. Don’t even get me started on what I’ve seen happen in truck stop men’s rooms and where I saw it happen. Just know that it was unsanitary and amazingly arousing to watch. From a safe distance. Like this side of the computer screen.

I confess to no personal experience with any of these locations except for a couch. Of course. My weirdest locations have had more to do with the situations I found myself in than the actual physical space I was occupying.

Unless you count that time in the cemetery. But we weren’t on an actual grave. That would have been disrespectful, and I do aim to be well-mannered when I can manage.