BigMuscle(Bears): A Consumer Guide

Before our new guest stalker talent scout came along, we used to look at BigMuscle and BigMuscleBears just for the pictures. (Actually, we still don't pay much attention to what's written in the profiles ... but then, that's not really our job anymore, is it?)

Read the latest installment of Joe Clark's Consumer Guide to BigMuscle(Bears) after the jump.

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Consumer Guide to BigMuscle(Bears): Episode 2
by Joe Clark

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Hairy Stud

BM(B) gives us more than a few options when it comes to the physical type describable as “old guy, in good shape, with beard and shaven head.” Hairy Stud here epitomizes just how gay this type is, with the ad copy’s emphasis on romantic settings. Really, how many straight guys go to the gym quite this much once they hit 40? And what kind of straight guy gladly models arseless chaps with his motorcycle or asks a kind friend to shoot loving close-ups of him reclining in a sling?

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Sandman

Bringin’ you a dream since... oh, 2003, according to the date he signed up. A square-shouldered, lean, translucent-haired, perhaps even lithe specimen. At 5′7″, Sandman qualifies as “compact and æsthetically appealing,” with that smooth–firm–fair look so treasured by complexion queens. Has a fine countenance even in snapshots, but where do I find the rest of the professional photos shot by Troy Dean?

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RuffnRuggd & MuslCop

I am man enough to admit you sometimes have to just give in and gawk at guys who lead apparently fabulous lives. A kind of SFCouple (see last week’s episode) but with massive slabs of meat rather than tattoos, these lads give a healthy gloss to adjectives like “masculine” and “all-American.” Disappointments? Their vanity site has no actual content and uses the despised Arial font; the actual cop took down photos of himself rather quite filling out his snug police uniform; and for all I know, this is a “See Tarzan, hear Jane” scenario, where guys built like brick shithouses let loose bolts of chiffon whenever their mouths pop open.

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Sevenmuscle

I try to like the Germans on BigMuscle. I try and try and try. But I find they look ever so slightly unbeautiful in their own special way – and that’s true even when they’re not cloning themselves. (Then there’s what they like to wear.) Seven – of, one hopes, Nine – gets a demerit for his placeholder ad copy, and the colour photos aren’t much. But he’s at least making an effort to depict a towering, square-faced Viking in a sensuous way. More nudes should involve texture contrasts; more shower photography should be done en noir et blanc.

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Pick hit:

Écossais

I’ve got a whole collection of ex-military BigMuscle(que)ers. Eric here is possibly Tucson’s only French-speaking ex-Navy and -Army greyhound rescuer with his own and his lover’s names tattooed on his deltoid in a dead alphabet.

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Previously: BigMuscle(Bears): A Consumer Guide (Part 1)