BigMuscle(Bears): A Consumer Guide

The good news: Since we haven't received word of any restraining orders yet, we're happy to present a third installment of special guest Joe Clark's Consumer Guide to BigMuscle(Bears) this week

The not-so-good news: The month isn't over yet. Keep your fingers crossed.

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Consumer Guide to BigMuscle(Bears): Episode 3
by Joe Clark

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SexyMuscleArg

Another common type (Cf. last week’s example) – the tall baldy with the wingspan of a condor. Yes, trite, really; check any leather bar, or, more likely, china shop. Anyway, if we overlook this guy’s depilation, which isn’t that easy to overlook, our subject here has the advantages of giant trapezii atop square, double-wide shoulders and Argentine heritage (always value-adding).

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MuscleTatt1973

This inexplicable creature was sometimes seen about town of a Saturday night before he left for L.A. He was ever surrounded by a retinue of (inevitably) shorter and really very ordinary guys. And he didn’t talk much; I guess his mode of communication is like that of a squid or an octopus – the colours on the skin. That didn’t help this giant in running for the dubious title of Mr. Gay.com, where he didn’t even make the semifinals.

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HungMucrBear

It’s nice to have some historical continuity in gay nudism: Yes, HungMucrBear (hold on – “Mucr”?) really was a Colt model some two decades ago. (Did Tom of Finland actually sketch him?) Frankly, this is one liquor that has improved with age. Unclear why he's still single; please advise.

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SteelGuy

Another “personal trainer,” a job that is to the Aughties what “hairdresser” was to the ’70s, “aerobics instructor” to the ’80s, and “customer-service representative” to the ’90s. It’s to the point where, like U.S. passports, there are more trainers in circulation than persons. He’s at least openly Canadian and “also interested in doing health & fitness modeling as well as artistic photo work.” (It’s art when you’re naked, erotica with your boner in your hand, and porn with somebody else’s boner in your hand.) SteelGuy merits inclusion due to the contrast clashes so deliciously notable when a jet-black-haired model plunges his hands deep into his underwear (so it is erotica!) while surrounded by man-height flowering stalks.

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BamaBoy in Hollywood

You couldn’t make this shit up: U.S. Marine, still not fully discharged, writes an autobiographical one-man stageplay. OK, great – but is he hot? Well, yeah, pretty much, when he’s not wearing goofy hats. BamaBoy’s desert (combat) photos aren’t the sort of thing you see every day; the “Dear Diary” shot borders on the touching. And surely that would be every gay Marine’s choice of pin-up.

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Pick hit:

Muscle Monkey

Flatly the best-written profile on BigMuscle. “I’ve already fucked the few hot guys in town long ago and the rest are good friends of mine, so the thrill is gone.... [Other guys are] all on those goddamned sex hook-up sites [like, I dunno, BigMuscle?] that have taken the place of good old-fashioned tire-kicking.... I was a varsity jock in high school, screwed chicks through college, change my own oil and prefer dogs to cats. I nevertheless have zero confusion about who I am or how much I appreciate having my BEEFY ASS NAILED IN HALF by big-dicked musclemen.... [N]or do I hide my contempt for that particularly repugnant fraternity of fellas who are in the best shape of their lives yet nevertheless can still be found with their Jack Russell terriers... Lest we forget, beauty is temporary; stupid is forever.” Even I tried to line up a date with this guy in Austin. Tried.

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Previously: Part 1, Part 2