Porn Review Haikus

Taking a conceptual detour from poring over DVD box covers this week, porn visionary Gram Ponante turns his poetic attention towards self-help videos, pint-sized sex toys, and smut movies that haven't even finished filming yet. Who says haiku isn't the most versatile of literary forms?

Everything you need to know about Pleasure Production's "Matters of Size", Michael Ninn's "Catherine", and Doc Johnson's "Mighty Mini-Brute"—in seventeen syllables—after the jump.

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Porn Review Haikus
by Gram Ponante

The disc's center hole
Only serves to chafe and maim.
God, it hurts down there!

Pleasure Productions introduces "the world's first penile enlargement DVD", containing exercise tips designed to elongate and engirthen your person. Presented by Michael Salvini, who is not only the host but is also a client (Salvini stretched to 10.5" from an humiliating 6.5", accidentally evicting a family of barn owls as he did so), Matters of Size is a five-phase natural method that is "doctor approved." Dr. Cockencock, I presume?

Make sure your DVD player has the correct regional encoding or you'll be stuck, like me, employing the very painful analog method.

. . .

Audrey Hollander
Runs bottomless through hallways:
Whoop-de-fucking-do.

There is some hope that the modified 2257 regulations will strand Michael Ninn in Budapest where he labors to complete this film, exiling him like Roman Polanski—were Roman Polanski not a statutory rapist but instead a hack pornographer who has been releasing the same high-budget coma-inducing preporntentious film for the past ten years.

A porn movie has not had the tinny saxophone score for years, nor has even the most modestly-budgeted film used a battery-operated Casio for a soundtrack. Likewise have all the cliches about bad porn dialogue been wiped out in the advent of gonzo movies.

But to hear Audrey Hollander puzzle through Ninn's dopey lines brings us right back to 1988, where the porn business really was the last refuge of the damned. Unlike today.

. . .

Stunted. Horrible.
And now you
re in my
giner.
What
s happened to me?

Ladies, at the very least we can tell you that Doc Johnson's repugnant "Mighty Mini-Brute" is not only waterproof but also available in four hues, or absences of hue/Scientologist
s ideal: White Man
s Flesh, pink, purple, and clear.

Why a vibrator would be known as a "brute" is not beyond me, but a "Mini-Brute" conjures images of some Cronenbergian thing without a belly button getting all up in your parts. Do you want that, ladies? Ladies?

Yes, you ladies can be coy sometimes. But your reliance on brute-based technology will be your undoing.

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Previously: Porn Review Haikus Archive