Porn Review Haikus

We're honored to have the opportunity to present what porn visionary and Fleshbot resident poet laureate Gram Ponante calls "the greatest tranny porn haikus of my career". (Of course, they're also the only tranny porn haikus of his career—but that shouldn't affect your appreciation of their considerable literary merit.)

Everything you always wanted to know (or didn't) about "Bang Bang She Male", "Trannys Gone Wild", and "Teenage Transsexual Nurses"—in seventeen syllables—after the jump.

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Porn Review Haikus: Tranny Edition
by Gram Ponante

More qualified people than I have asked the question What Makes A Man? But at least I can tell you What Makes a Tranny Porn Video: a trip to Brazil and about 20 bucks. Here, then, are some haikus about a new kind of special lady.

. . .

"Bang Bang She Male"
(Evil Angel)

Sugarloaf's Shadow:
The girls from Ipanema
Need some new jockstraps.

Everyone talks about John Travolta and Steve Jobs having great second acts. No one gives credit to Nacho Vidal. Formerly Belladonna's fiancé, Mr. Vidal went from piledriving Andalusian unknowns to, well, tranny-scendence in a few short years.

"He is my mentor," said avowedly heterosexual Italian stud guy Denis Marti. "At least the first part of his career, he is my mentor."

In "Bang Bang She Male", Vidal shows several of Rio de Janeiro's finest the meaning of teamwork, favela style.

. . .

"Trannys Gone Wild"
(Bacchus Releasing)

The flick "Orlando"
Was dull by comparison.
(Still a good rental.)

One of the endearing things about porn boxcovers is the myriad misspellings. Sometimes they are helpful, however. It is only through the incompetence of the art guy that my regrettable appearance in 2003's "Man Hose's Nut Feast" did not derail my Senate career.

Regardless, the spelling of "trannys"" is this case is correct. This video is so good that the Chicago Manual of Style got together with the gang over at the OED to make Tranny a proper noun, capable of being pluralized using only an S. Take that, "granny"!

You might think that you have seen Trannys going wild before. Screaming in taxis, throwing shoes at each other, burning their valets with scalding McDonaldland coffee. But you haven't. Until now.

. . .

"Teenage Transsexual Nurses"
(Robert Hill Releasing)

Clara Barton knew
The love of a good tranny
In Civil War times.

Any of us who has struggled with our sexuality—whether triumphing gloriously like Steve Guttenberg in "Can't Stop the Music" or just getting by like me and my coterie of admirers who frot me on planes—knows that, by comparison, other status milestones often come easy.

That is how these conflicted teens harnessed the laser-focus of their gender confusion to sail through nursing school before they even reached drinking age. While I haven't seen this or any porn film, I assume that the previous four installments of "Teenage Transsexual Nurses" probably dealt with the girls' quandaries over what to wear to the prom, registration dilemmas at nursing school (online or in person?), and the thrills of the enema rotation, which happens to be my Dokken cover band.

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Previously: Porn Review Haikus Archive