Porn Review Haikus Limericks: All-Azz Edition

Says our soon-to-be-former resident poet laureate (don't worry, we'll still be keeping him around in a different capacity) and porn visionary Gram Ponante in his introduction to this week's literary interlude: "I have decided to complete this poetry cycle with a slightly more evolved and evocative art form than the haiku: the limerick. Nothing but the limerick can convey the depth of emotion generated by these three titles from Stoney Curtis
'Lethal Hardcore' series, each directed by Dust and featuring waxable booty, azz (I think it
s the same thing), and phat azz titties." Need we say more?

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Porn Review Haikus
by Gram Ponante

. . .

"Wax Dat Juicy Booty"
(Lethal Hardcore)

Dat booty deserved a good waxin'
But my family keeps me from relaxin':
"Why can't you enquim
Your parts to the rim
Of someone more Anglo Saxon?"

"Dark & juicy, waxed up & freaky delicious, round ebony bunz" declares the boxcover of this Dust-directed epic, the first in a series of black-on-black porn that utterly disregards your friend Gram.

While star Ashley Licks is wearing the earrings I gave her, there is nothing interracial about this cast—though a reference is made to Ace's "weenie" that I think borrows from Caucasian nomenclature.

The "perfect azz, waxed, shined & shaken" that the back cover promises ... well, let's just say I do not think that it will sing to me.

. . .

"Phat Azz Titties"
(Lethal Hardcore)

Throughout North American cities
The girls with the phattest-azz titties
Will bounce their fine trunk
All over my junk
To lyrics of Scritti Politti's.

"I took a backseat, a backhander, I took her back to her room," crooned Scritti Politti's Green Gartside in "The Perfect Way," expertly presaging my reaction to the Stoney Curtis production of Phat Azz Titties.

Only the music of the Human League and A Flock of Seagulls similarly drives me to go balls deep in some chocalicious coochie, but don't ask me for my red vinyl copy of The Fixx' "Reach the Beach"; my brother, you got to get one of your own.

. . .

"Phat Buttz Drain my Nutz!"
(Lethal Hardcore)

Much like a distant cloud's raining
One can hear deez nutz when they're draining.
My problem is that
When the butt's extra phat
The sensation prevents my explaining.

Some would say that the problem with porn boxcovers iss that they are too on the nose, if you will, and leave nothing to the imagination. A fact was invented at the beginning of this treasury of porn poetry, however, that rings true: over 98 percent of porn consumers make their decision to buy based on the boxcover. If that is true, and it probably is, then the cover needs to say a lot.

In the progressive tradition of speaking truth to power, then, the simple statement that phat buttz do, in fact, drain my nutz is clear and compelling and true. It is the same as Reading is Fundamental without the image of Lou Grant's Ed Asner going balls deep in some chocalicious coochie. It is the same as "Americans love a winner."

Thanks, Kandi Kream, for coaxing out the truth with your powerful azz serum.

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Previously: Porn Review Haikus Archive