Porn Valley Dispatch

"You can't do anything about the Category 5 hurricane bearing down on New Orleans and Biloxi, big-hearted Porn Valley," I said. "So for God's sake shed your Superdome-sized guilt and try to have fun. Why don't you stock a cooler with Coors Lite, hire some strippers, and rent a bus, or something?"

Fun came, and morning followed a trip around town on a Seymore Butts Party Bus (TM), after the leap.- G. Ponante

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Seymore Butts has said to better people than I that 2005 is his year of vertical integration (but he also said it to me—I just didn't feel as special). That means he is diversifying his portfolio and branching out into other areas of adult entertainment than just filming porn. Pornography, as you know, is on its way out. My pal Seymore sees this, too. That is why he is expanding into the bus and tupperware realms.

In addition to his line of "Toyz", including "Mari Possa's Beaded Pussy", various dildos and, my favorite, a simple "desk set" consisting of a pen and a disembodied ass to stick it in, Butts is enlisting women around the country to be product representatives for his "Ladies' Home Night" parties, in which his novelties will be sold to groups of honest, hardworking women who don't get this stuff for free like I do.

But this weekend was the debut of what Butts hopes will be another great link in the chain leading to world domination: the party bus.

Here's how it works: I am a lonely bachelor in one of eventually 64 cities (immediate plans are for L.A., New York, Las Vegas, and Miami). I log on to XXXposed Entertainment, pay about a hundred bucks, and then go down to a specified location (my party bus stop in Van Nuys was in the alley between a store called Eros Station and one called the House of Moulding) and join other like-minded individuals for a two-hour spin around the city.

The strippers who join the mystery tour may or may not be affiliated with any of Seymore's other projects

My bus featured Annie Cruz, Memphis Monroe, Serena, and someone with the unfortunate name (but sunny disposition) of Jessica Jammer. The bus, which might have been a late-model airport shuttle during the day, acquitted itself gamely—as did the strippers—to its nighttime duties. Limited dancing space in the aisle gave way to lots of lap dances as well as full-body stumbling over the drink coolers (as well as the Showtime and Playboy crews who were there) when the bus sped up, slowed down, or executed a turn.

Butts himself joined the bus, and didn't rule out the option of appearing on party buses elsewhere if the price was right.

The cost to the consumer might be lower than going to a strip club, though there was no privacy. There was also precious litttle room to allow the strippers to slap each other's asses in any satisfying manner. There was maybe 18" of space, hardly enough to get a good swing. Still, people had fun.

I asked Serena if she'd ever danced on a bus or any moving conveyance before. She said, "Maybe."

Don't miss: ButtsBus gallery (gramponante.com)

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