Best of Craigslist: Sex

While these days I might be wistful for the times of yore when I could just sit at my day job and fuck off looking at porn and cruising Craigslist all day, it stands to reason that to find the real Craigslist gems, it takes a certain dedication, love of the sexually askew, and pride in unearthing these nuggets 'o weirdness. Enter the luscious Viviane, who has all these qualities and more, and will be culling our monthly Best of Craigslist: Sex. Read more about monster cock missed connections, laundry-blowjob arrangements, smelly bus boyfriends, starter wives, horny jurors and more, after the jump. V. Blue

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Best of Craigslist: Sex
by Viviane's Sex Carnival

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MC with three-legged guy in mid-town bathroom (& my dignity) - w4m - 25
"You were either really drunk, really tolerant, or really confident (or all three), cause you didn't miss a beat. I think I asked you your name and what you did, and I think you said something about opera(?), but I don't really remember. What I DO remember was drunken-open-mouthed staring at your massive, beautiful cock like a retard schoolgirl. I simply did not know that they came in that size. Holy crap."

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Do my laundry, get a blowjob - w4m - 28
"When everything is washed, folded and put away, I'll give you a blowjob. I give great blow jobs (You can ask one of my exes); they're toe-curlers. Of course, you could also go by the Pizza Theory.

There's one washer, one dryer, and a lot of laundry (maybe eight to twelve loads), so it'll probably be an all day event. If you fuck up a load, well I'm a fan of getting things done right, so you'll either wash & dry them again, or you won't get rewarded. I've got Wednesday off from work, or I guess Sunday could be laundry day."

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Bus Boyfriend, I want to smell you again. - 25
"Bus Boyfriend, where have you gone? Please return to remove me from this misery! I don't want you sexually. Hell, I don't even want to talk to you - you can't even discuss the main storyline of a popular novel and you probably don't want to know any more detail about my inner ear and motion sickness. I just want to feel that odd tension again. And I want to smell you. You were my bus sachet, my ego-boosting little bowl of potpourri. Please come back. When you were around, no crackhead could touch me. Due to the ever-so-slight threat that your presence created, my boyfriend nailed me more often and more sincerely than any other time. You made transportation tolerable, you improved my love life."

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Missed connection with my Starter Wife - m4w
"You see, a 'Starter Marriage' is like a starter home, we go into marriage expecting to divorce and trade up to something better. Also like a starter home, once we leave our first marriage, we'll learn what to look for, and what to avoid, the next time around."

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juror at your trial - m4w
"As fate and a juror summons would have it, you entered my life. I was juror #4 at your 2 day trial for drug possession, assault and battery, and resisting arrest at Circuit Court at 26th & California. Unfortunately, I like "bad girls". I am afflicted with "opposites attract" syndrome in the worst way. The mere mention of "26th & California" or that late night call from a raspy, but lovely voice saying, "Hey baby, I'm in jail" warms my heart and brings back fond memories."

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Hello, a girls point of view
"4) It's NOT a Fine White Wine. A lot of boys talk to me about the fact that nobody ever wants to let the ejaculate in their mouth. "Why not???", they whinge. I'll tell you. The diet of the average penis-owner is fucking wretched, especially should you happen to be American as well. High sodium, loads of red meat and coffee, and just not nearly enough potassium. Your partner won't let you come in their mouth? Do yourself a favour, killer. Next time you're throwing the Spam Javelin and you get some shpoo on your hand, have a nice lick. (This only makes you gay if you lick somebody *else's* blooge, not your own. You're performing a scientific experiment. If it makes you feel better, say out loud in your best Dexter voice, "It's a BEEYOOTEEful day for science!") As a matter of fact, I double DOG dare you to do it. Now, would you want to give a mouthful of THAT to somebody who's being nice enough to you that they're going to suck your dick? Really. So...cut down on the salt intake, go for the chicken for a while, and no coffee. Have some nice pineapple juice, a ham steak, bananas. Potassium is the friend of the semen. If you're lacking, so will your taste be. Instead of the usual Bleach & Oyster Stew, serve up something a little less vile. Your partner will thank you for it."

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Thumbnail via: Flickr Fetish/Pool

See also: Want to get voted Best of Craigslist? Read this.

Previously: Fleshbot Craigslist Archive