The Best of “Best of Craigslist”

In the decade since it was launched, Craigslist has become a veritable Freudian repository of Amerca's hopes, fears, desires, and secrets. Be glad that Viviane of Viviane's Sex Carnival has done the dirty work of combing through hundreds of posts to find the ones of particular interest to Fleshbot readers—it's a big world out there, and we'd hate for you to get lost in it.

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To the woman who danced in my pee and stepped on my heart. - m4w - 26
"You...uh...You danced around in my pee! Not only did you prance around in a stream of my urine but you cupped your hands in the puddle of pee I had just created and started splashing around in it."

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Online
Hall of Shame
"The No Sex Drive Guy
Good sex at first but then loses interest. Forgets to mention that he is now on anti depressants, which has killed his sex drive completely. Don't take it personally - the Limp Noodle is not because of you. Good thing you stumbled upon them in the bathroom cabinet when you were looking for a Q-tip.

The Cel Phone/Blackberry Guy
So attached to his device he doesn't even know how to turn it off. Face has odd green glow from peering over that little screen every time you aren't looking, go to the washroom, etc. This shifty eyed techno addict has the attention span of a mosquito. Usually jumpy and hopped up on coffee too.

The Horny Webcam Guy
Very soon into your chat with horny guy, he'll suggest that you chat on camera, show you his abs, and ask if you have a camera. Never seems to actually date, always online looking for fresh fantasy material."

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Small Penis
"Small Penis, it's time for you to stop pretending to be what you are not. I cannot overemphasize this- if you have ever seen wildlife documentaries with baboons mating- this has begun to come to mind. The bored female with a faraway look (me) with the male gyrating away somewhere back there (him.)

Think of yourself as an artist's tool- part of a set with your fingers and tongue (which also seems to be trying to compensate, btw- do you think I am lovng it when you jam your tongue in and out of my vadge? This move can be good at the right moment, but constantly?) A tool of precision is the most you can be. YOu will never be a big cock. Ever. And I am cool with that. But I am so so so frustrated."

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Increasingly attractive woman - m4w - 27
"Dear increasingly attractive woman:

I came very close to making a pass at you today. While I have not been attracted to you for the majority of time I've known you, I find myself desiring you more and more the longer I go without any sex or female companionship. Your annoying habits are easier to ignore, your odd features seem to blur, and your shitty attitude more closely matches my air of pathetic desparation."

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The W4M Code
"Ladies,

In the spirit of the Geek Code (don't ask), effective immediately, please start preparing the following shorthand to your W4M posts. And put it in the title. It will save us all a lot of time.

If you are thick, zaftig, a BBW, "not a supermodel" or any of the other euphimisms for fat, you're fat. Say so: F. If you want to include your weight, just say: F(weight in pounds).

If you're a golddigger, come right out and say it. It will make it all easier. G$ means that you expect a dinner a week or so. G$$ means that you want us to buy you things, too. G$$$ means that you want us to give you regular cash (say how much you want per week in parantheses). And G$$$$ means that you want credit cards, high-end gifts, and the sky's generally the limit."

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200 partners, same old song and dance
"I was catching up on the posts and read the 200 partners thread pretty much as a whole. What strikes me as the most interesting thing about this debate is the frequent and repeated threats from men that they will not love a girl who has been promiscuous.

I am a woman who has slept with probably 100 men. I am 34. I met at least 30 of them online. I've been having sex for 17 years and have had three LTRs (3 years, 4 years, and 5 years respectively. at least the numbers are going up. looking for #4 - planning on making it 6 years ;) anyway.) I have had every kind of sexual relationship from LT to ST to one-night to no-strings affairs that went on for months and so on. I enjoy sex. A lot. In fact, it is one of my favorite things to do. I'm a vital, still sort-of young woman and I like pleasuring and being pleasured. End of story. I have other interests and hobbies. I have a rewarding career. I do not claim to be particularly good at intimacy or, imagine this, all that interested in experiencing it with most of the men that I have known. So. the fuck. what?"

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A Simple Lesson for Guys Posting Personals (From Another Guy)
"First off, let me just say, I've been reading through the M4W ads for several weeks now because I find them wildly amusing. Many of my female friends do this as well, and we get a big kick out of some of the things you goobers post!

Here's the problem: I don't think most of you are *intentionally* trying to be funny
and that's just sad.

So, rather than sitting back in the privacy of my home, mocking you and passing judgment, I figure it's time I put my money where my mouth is and dispense a little "tough love." Take my advice, or don't, it doesn't matter to me either way. In fact, I almost hope you don't, just because I'd hate for my hilarious leisure reading to evaporate!"

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flagged for my for sale ad
"I moved to Portland after graduation, and the guitar-luck, of course, came with me. I've sprayed in all sorts of Portland girls thanks to this guitar: Indies, goths, trustafarians, hipsters, even a lesbian once from that time i lugged it up to the Egyptian Club on Division. This instrument has been vital in both my sexual development and approximately seven abortions. I won't even tell you about the time when i brought the guitar to the Planned Parenthood up in Northeast by the Wild Oats. All I can say is that Planned Parenthoods are a ripe garden of fertile baby caves. Best. Blowjob. Ever."

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The girls I have dated
"Mrs. Horn - I don't even know your first name. But I don't feel badly because I don't think you even knew you slept with me after that New Year's Eve party, you were so drunk Although you did insist I cum inside you. You know something funny, I ran into you a few years ago. I saw you down by the waterfront with your husband. I started chatting with you but you didn't recognize me. You just thought I was a kind stranger. You're screwed up. There are laws out there you know. I regret the sex even if you don't. Guess I've changed a lot since I was 17."

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You wonder why men cheat?
"So I've had about all I can stand. How is it marriage allows you to take someone sexually hostage? Where the fuck do women get off dictating what is an appropriate amount of sex? You say you just have too much going on and it's not a priority but get your feelings hurt when you get cheated on, sorry not feeling the compassion like I should I guess.

Let me paint a picture. I mostly normal, professional, successful, kind, generous, blah blah blah. I am in my second marriage. The first was as much my fault as hers but one theme that held true was the drastic drop off in sex. What gives?

I have seen the scenario unfold many many times. You meet a guy and you fuck non stop for months. It tapers off but both are feeling pretty satisfied by the quality of sex and both agree that it will always be this way. In fact the guy is assuming this is a cornerstone of the relationship and takes this into consideration when he offers you a huge fucking ring you did nothing to deserve. Am I being to harsh? i don't think so, about 1% of the population of the world has a diamond ring of 1 karat or larger. What makes you so special?"

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