The Best of “Best of Craigslist”

Once again, the intrepid Viviane of Viviane's Sex Carnival digs deep into the collective consciousness of Craigslist to uncover all the kinky confessions, pornographic musings, and assorted sexy secrets that lie hidden among the used furniture, help wanted notices and desperate roommate seekers. It's a dirty job, but someone has to do it.

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Wife + Kids = No Sex and the Departure of My Sanity
"Yes, I am at fault for marrying my wife
I literally knew what bed I was making and chose to lie in it, so maybe I have no reason to complain. Even before the kids came along our sex drives were not aligned, but we worked on it. Sex was never an area where she was interested in making a investment or being adventuresome. Sure, she'll spend three weeks looking to find the perfect sofa cushions, but two minutes to put on a piece of lingerie isn't worth the time, it just comes off anyway. Although it just donned on me
maybe some role-playing is what we need. She can be the sexy interior decorator and I'll dress up as the perfect antique coffee table
a perfect coffee table is HOT! - Queue porn music."

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Please Fix My Broken Gaydar!
"So, set me straight (figuratively). We run into each other at the pool fairly often, and have gotten to know one another like guys do when they hang out in a locker room. You enter wearing mod, all-black European business suits. Then you change into your super sheer, almost-not-there, lycra swimsuit that's a cross between boxer briefs and just plain brief. You swim delicately and point your toes. You're the only man not to close his shower curtain. You're the only man not to cover up his dick in the steam room. In fact, you flaunt him by spreading your legs wide open. You take 10 minutes to rub yourself dry and spend an inordinate amount of time drying between your legs. You chat with me while I dress hurriedly, and despite my being happily partnered and secure, blah, blah, etc., I find myself fighting a glowing erection due to your yanking yourself in front of me. You never rush to get dressed, which means you have to jiggle your weenie back and forth from the water fountain to the sink to the scale to the shower and back to your locker."

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Our eyes met during last night's orgy, but I didn't catch your name
"M4W, 36 - I wanted to talk to you, but you are so much more attractive than most of the middle-aged has-beens in last night's pile that I couldn't get a moment alone, or even as part of a threesome or foursome with you. There was a brief moment, while you were reverse cowgirling that old guy and jerking off two midgets while orally satisfying the butch chick in the leather chaps, when our eyes met, and it was magic."

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The "Other Woman" Club - 30"
"I want to have a club. A club made only for women who made the poor decision of dating and falling in love with a married man.

"I don't want this to be a club for women who date married men repeatedly because they like certain aspects of it. This club would be for women who have only done it once, and vowed (and kept the vow) of not ever doing it again.

We can discuss a subject each week.

Week One might go something like this, 'Why the fuck didn't I listen to the 1500 people who told me this was a bad idea?'"

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RAVE: I give head like a pornstar
"Everyone I've ever given head to says its the best they've ever had. Well ladies this is why so try and make your man happy.

"1.I LOVE to do it. It absolutely turns me on more than recieving it. I will even feel myselt start to drip.

"2.I look up at him while I'm doing it so he knows I'm loving it. You give him the eyes or that "i fucking love this" face. Literally devour him. Act like you can't get enough of his cock.

"3.I spend a lot of time licking and sucking his balls while using my hands on him and looking him in the eye... Also--yes I'll perform a "hummer" if you will."

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You won't miss me...
"And last, but not least, You are ruining my relationship. Until the moment I became addicted to CL I was happily married, in a wonderful relationship with a man that loves me dearly and I believed would never be unfaithful. Now, I've become a paranoid, psychotic bitch. Our dinnertime conversation each night goes something like this: 'Honey, on CL today a man posted that he loved his wife but she didn't give him enough head so he was forced to cheat on her... do I give you enough head? ARE YOU CHEATING ON ME????' To which my dear husband responds 'Darling, on CL today a woman posted that while her husband was at work she fucked the mailman... was that you?' To which I respond 'My dearest, statistically (according to CL) ALL MEN CHEAT ON THEIR WIVES. Just tell me the truth!"'To which he responds 'Love of my life, all women are whores looking for a gangbang... CL proves it!'"