The Best of “Best of Craigslist”

In this hilarious installment of the best of sex from "Best of Craigslist", the discriminating Viviane brings us nice guys who will most certainly finish last; shaved vegetarian chicks who'll do anything for some housekeeping; a letter to a vagina renter; an artiste in the realm of cock pics; someone who actually uses the word "coochie" and much more, after the jump. V. Blue

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Why I'm not sleeping with the Nice Guy On the Second Date
"1. Because I'm pretty damn sure that sleeping with you -- after the second date -- will not be as sexually satisfying as masturbation. Frankly, I'm not going to be that attracted to you after the second date. Waiting until the fifth date just means that I was attracted enough to you on the second date to keep dating you in hopes that I might be attracted enough to you on the fifth date to get some sexual satisfaction out of sleeping with you. (All date time lines are approximate, of course. Fifth could mean third or seventh, depending on you and me and our chemistry). Believe me, I wish I were as attracted to you on the second date as the fifth. But I'm not. And I wish that that the physiology of sex were such that any stick in any hole would do the job for me. But it won't. So if we make it to five dates, it's because there's some actual chemistry there that builds enough for me to overcome all the other disincentives to sleep with you. What are these other disincentives?"

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I'll Cook and Fuck, Just Do My Dishes - w4m - 26
"I love to cook, but lately, I have not been doing it nearly as frequently as I should. I live by myself, and cooking for one and then having to clean the goddamned mess seems like a total hassle. That said, if you promise to be a regular fuck buddy, then I'll guarantee satisfying you in more than one way. I've been told that I'm a great cook and a great fuck. I'm a vegetarian with a bald pussy. Doesn't cunnilingus on me sound fun?"

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Orgasm Notice - 3 Days to Pay or Quit
"Dear Sir,

You have been renting my vagina for the past six weeks. In that six weeks you have had liberal access to myself and my fine ass bobbing on your dick, and you have taken advantage of this opportunity on a damn near daily basis. That is great. I love sex and I love it more when it is a daily experience. However, over the course of these past six weeks, I have recieved only one "payment" in exchange for your many lovely gifts of pearl necklaces and the like.

This arrangement is simply not an acceptable one for my vagina and myself. This notice serves you with a three day period to pay up or get the fuck on. I want an orgasm."

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I Am the Alfred Stieglitz of Cock Pics...
"Once you sense the power of my work, you'll clearly understand how analogous it is to the power of my fucking. One mind-blowing three-minute session with me and you'll understand why artists such as myself attract women: it's a deep-seated sensitivity to the world that artists like myself are only able to communicate by taking photos of our cocks and anonymously emailing them to you."

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SWF with DID Wants Caring Kinky Man - w4m - 29
"If you're looking for a "normal" woman, please do us both a favor and move on. I'm single by choice, white, in good shape (personal trainer), and attractive enough where I have no trouble getting dates. However, due to some severe childhood trauma, I also suffer from dissociative identity disorder or DID, often mistakenly called Multiple Personality Disorder.

For the past few years, I've fought with medication and several therapists and suffered through relationships with men and sometimes women who just didn't understand the needs of my alters - the other personalities that manifest themselves from time to time. Perhaps I'll never have a long term relationship ubt I have come to realize in the past few years that there are many kinky people in the world and the internet has given me a safe and sane forum to meet them. So, with a hopeful heart, I'm wondering if someone is out there who can handle all of me.

I'm looking for someone who would be comfortable with all of my alters. Understand that I have no control about which alter appears and when, so you have to be the kind of person who goes with the flow."

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Old Spice and my date with The Slutwitch
"he Slutwitch was beautiful, but taller than I expected and had a deep FM DJ type of voice. She kept flipping her hair every 5-10 seconds so I thought she might be tweeking. She got right down to business after pocketing the 2 Jacksons and let me tell you, she was good at it. As she was slurping away, she tried to slip me a finger, which I thought was weird. I diddn't last long and exploded just as the second Cramps song began. The whole time I was rubbing her ass and thighs, but she kept pushing my hand away whenever I got to close to her coochie. She grabbed her phone and said she had to take a call and was out of my car before I could even respond. As I watched her slink away, it hit me : My Slutwitch was a dude. Now I don't know what to think. I had an incredible time, and she WAS just about the hottest thing I'd ever seen, but I swear, I am not a homo, not now, not ever. At this point, my head is spinning, I managed to get her number, but am scared to call her again. It was incredible though. Does anyone know of a therapist who specializes in this area???"