The Best of “Best of Craigslist”

A study that we just made up shows that while over 89.7% of people who place ads on Craigslist do so to find a roommate or sell some old computer equipment, approximately 4.2% are trying to convince a stranger they saw on public transportation to have sex with them; 3.9% are gloating about the great sex they've had; 6.8% are complaining about the lousy sex they've had; and the rest are either sharing sex toy advice or trying to get people to feel sorry for them for not having any sexual activity whatsoever. (Yes, we know that adds up to more than 100%—hey, we never said our statistical methods were perfect.)

Let Viviane of Viviane's Sex Carnival be your field research guide after the jump.

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You - Gorgeous... Me - A Gamer... - m4w - 25 (Seattle)
"On my way back to my apartment, Dew and Slim Jims in hand, I saw you and your friends walking into the Jazz club across the street. You seemed so comfortable and cool dressed to the nines for an evening of drinks and dancing with those closest to you. It was then that I knew I had to meet you. Although I had never been in that particular establishment, I followed you in. You probably would have seen me, but I was slowed by an argument with the doorman over my attire. After a few minutes, I think I had him convinced I looked ok, but then he proceeded to ask me for $10 just to walk into the bar. I couldn't believe they wanted to charge me just to get in. I, of course had no money, having spent every spare cent on caffeine and sticks of processed beef. I walked back to the convenience store and failed in my effort to return the goods I had so recently purchased. Luckily, the store had an ATM, so I pleaded with the checker to hold my purchases behind the counter for a short time, and I withdrew $20 from the cash machine. Armed with my fresh $20 bill, I marched to the Jazz Club, paid the $10 cover, and went looking for the woman of my dreams."

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Hot Dekalb Police officer pulling into QT off Ptree Industrial - w4m -
34 (Atlanta)
"I knew you were the one for me as soon as you blasted past me on the frontage road alongside Peachtree Industrial. I was driving a sedate 45 MPH down the frontage road when you blew past me on the right, at about 80 MPH, no cop lights on, and no headlights on either. "He must be after someone for sure!" I said to myself, "otherwise he would have passed me on the left at a normal speed like a normal person, rather than on the right at an unsafe speed like some kind of maniac!" Why, it would be silly to drive like that for no reason at all. What a brave policeman you must be, I imagined, going after some bad guy in such a speedy yet stealthy manner!"

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8 things I hate about valentine's (Los Angeles)
"3) Valentine's Night Sex. I just spent 4 hours pretending to enjoy the evening, I am half cocked on bad wine, and my stomach is turning because of that awful dinner and shitty candies. I am in no mood for athletics. It doesn't help that my penis is on DEFCON 5 and about to blow any minute because you stopped having sex with me two weeks ago to make this night "special". The most you can hope for is two minutes of awkward half pumps and that I don't fart on you in my sleep as I try to digest all that nastiness."

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I got, you got
"I was about 10 minutes into my interval training run this evening when I came upon a homeless couple engaged in oral sex on a park bench. At first when I saw the lady's exposed bottom I mistook the absence of clothes for tight fitting pantyhose. Then moments later everything was clear. Her pants were off completely and she was leaning forward into the man standing in front of her. He was bent over her resting his elbows on her back. As I passed a few feet away he and I made eye contact. We said nothing and I continued on having checked my heartrate monitor to ensure I was in my target zone for the second 1200m interval. As I ran I mentally listed the differences in my life and this man's life as I saw them. Here they are for your reading pleasure ..."

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Missed connection with My Perfect Geek - w4m - 24 (Seattle)
"I could so totally get you laid, Geek Boy. You'd be PERFECT. And hell, I might even consider dating you myself, espeically since I'm a pretty tall gall and it's majorly hard to find tall-enough guys in this world - except that after I'm done transforming you you'd probably have understandably massive control and self-esteem issues as far as how I related to your appearance, and I'd probably be over-controlling and try to make over things that I'd normally let slide or not even care about, and it'd probably blow up in this big awful disgusting fight - either that or you'd just start acting out in subtle ways to escape my Fashion Police efforts, like going back to wearing the shoes and growing your hair out all skanky again, and then I'd stop being attracted to you and stop putting out, shallow as that may sound, but come on, the shoes and the hair just really are that bad, and we'd just subtly dig at each other until we'd both made each other completely miserable, so then it'd be bound to end badly no matter what, but trust me, I can totally hook you up with some other girl(s) once you're all hot, or at least arm you with the looks and confidence to go get 'em yourself."

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I'm getting married! - w4m (New York)
"Okay, I'm not getting married...but I'm with someone now and I think we're going to be very happy together. I think this is it. Forever. All right, we're not really together so to speak, you know... boyfriend and girlfriend... but we're very important to each other... best friends really. Well, maybe not best friends. Maybe more like just really close to each other. Really tight. And I do mean that -- really tight, really close... but maybe not in the sense of "close friends" -- maybe more like close... strangers. Tight and close together in a physical manner, more than an emotional sense. But you can't deny the sparks that flew when we, as strangers, gazed longingly into each other's eyes, right? It was so beautiful"

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to the woman who passed out before we had time to do it - m4w - 36 (Chicago)
"Dear Passer-Outer, There are a few things I'd like to thank you for: Thank you for wanting to have sex with me. You couldn't, but your heart was in the right place. Thanks for the ego boost. You were really hot and into me... until you passed out. Thanks for making me realize that I am, indeed, a gentleman and that I truly do respect women. A lesser man would have taken advantage of the situation. I know I am not one of those guys. Once you were out, it really wasn't fun anymore."

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RAVE: To my new best friends at the Pleasure Place (DC)
"As returned to the dildo-shelves, the cashier's punktastic, purple-haired coworker (manager?) took over from there, asking me plainly, "Is there anything in particular you were looking for?" Beyond a battery-powered orgasm machine? No, but thanks for asking. Wher any mere mortal would shrug and simply return to their work, you--purple-haired manager, expert in all things vibratory--showed me the spectrum of available toys. Furthermore, you demonstrated them for me right there in front of ther store. I was mortified in front of all the other customers as you matter-of-factly stuck the batteries in, ran the different modes, and even had me touch each item as it trembled in robotic lust. Straight, gay, or otherwise inclined, you impressed me by most professionally discussing at length the virtues of each item, without batting an eye, knowing full well that we were both trying to imagine exactly which thing IN YOUR HAND would feel best against my clitoris. You even laughed at my joke about the disco-Dildo that lit up. (Come on, who really cares if a light is going on in your vagina, anyhow?)"

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Why it's so hard to find a decent guy in DC (DC)
"How many new men do you think you'll meet in a given year and be in a situation where you would actually have a chance to get to know each other? For a woman that goes out regularly and has a really active life -- she may meet 200. The average is probably closer to 100. Let's go with 150 for the sake of argument ..."

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$250 worth of sex toys: an unauthoritative review (SF)
"Don't try to experiment with $250 worth of sex toys in the space of ten hours. You'll be tempted, but at some point you'll become severely desensitized and wonder if your sex organs will ever work again. The first symptom is extreme crankiness toward the inventor of silicone. The second is a perverse paranoid suspicion that your lover may be related to the inventor of silicone. The third is a sudden craving for food that isn't consumed from your lover's body."

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Rant: Raging Hard-ons (Toronto)
"Well, I know very well what my penis wants, but I really don't want to give it the satisfaction. You see, I have a strange belief, that I know is totally a crock, but I cooked it up when in high-school and so now it's a permanent part of my psyche. I believe that in order to get laid I have to abstain from masterbation. Dont' get me wrong, I have nothign against masterbation and do so quite frequently while in relatinships or during post-relationship times, but when I'm gearing up to get back into the dating scene then self-satisfaction goes of the menu."

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To the man on the #6 bus this morning who looked like a Pekingese (Portland)
"Now don't take offense to the Pekingese thing. Shit
it's not like I like the little yippers. In fact, I hate dogs. But how can I say it: you have a very unique look; attractive enough to capture my fancy for the full 18 minutes of the bus ride. Caucasian, yes. Brown curly hair, shortish, poking out beneath that cute Dublin-in-the-1920s style of cappie. But your profile
sort of flattish features
a small, pug-like nose, a slightly protruding lower jaw and a more than slightly protruding chin; definitely a different genetic makeup than my own European parentage, leaving me with one of those "strong" German noses. The contour of your jaw reminded me a lot of that guy I once dated in Flagstaff."

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