Sex Toy TechWatch: Clit Brush Cockring

When I was five, I asked my mother if all those settings on our General Electric blender didn't do the same thing but with different noises—because the carrots still ended up much smaller in the end. Her answers were unsatisfactory, and that's why I'm here. For that and a number of other reasons, I cannot now ask her about the different speeds on Adam & Eve's new Clit Brush Cockring. More after the gap. - G. Ponante

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"Once you try this cockring, your others will sit around gathering dust!" raves the ad copy for this skin-similar multifunction tool. Briefly I imagine a world in which I have backup cockrings like I have extra sneakers and glasses.

Apparently the five titillating vibration patterns—foreplay, tease, pulsation, vibration, and climax—render the CBC so powerful as to require only an artist's conception of the instrument, because a photograph might classify it as a weapon.

Here's what to do fellas: after making sure the four AG13 batteries (included) are charged, one thinks of England to the point that a cockring is even appropriate. Then one slips it on, simultaneously setting a course for the five stages listed above. (Easter egg: like a secret floor in Castle Wolfenstein, the setting between pulsation and vibration is something I like to call "Libby".( Then, get in the vicinity of your partner's clitoris; it's that surprised part above the vulva. Since the CBC is not yet bluetooth-enabled, one must get really close to the clitoris to get the best ROI.

Ladies: just, you know, stop laughing for a second and you might enjoy it.

· Adam & Eve's Clit Brush Cockring (adameve.com)

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Previously: Porn Valley Dispatch Archive