Marital Aid Test Kitchen: Heavy Love Balls

... So we'd all been drinking and there was, similar to other times, a sense of inevitability underlying the drinking. Finally, I reached into my pocket and pulled out something that felt familiar in several ways (each one unrelated to the other) and said, "I would like somebody to put these in her ass."

And so began this week's consumer research experiment in Fleshbot's Marital Aid Test Kitchen. Mind the gap.
- G. Ponante

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The evening had started poorly, with the last minute cancellation of our featured model, and a quick survey of those present revelaed that no one had seen the product used anywhere other than a porn movie.

"No one would have made 'Donkey Punch' if it wasn't happening right out in the goddamn street every day, and in our laundromats and aquariums," I scoffed.

The Heavy Love Balls weren't heavy by my-balls standards. They were two blue (why blue?) spheres (in fact, this product's name was mercifully changed from the science fiction-y "Pleasure Spheres") coated in a strange sticky/non-sticky rubber substance that was reminiscent of when you drunkenly grip a Frangelico bottle and it sweats on you. Yes, it was that kind of night.

The first response, after incredulity, was derision. "I have to lube these up and put them in my ass, and then pull them out slowly?" our pal Mary asked.

"' ... At the moment of climax," I corrected. I'd picked up this information from a website, because the packaging offered no direction other than "for Kegel exercises or anal fun."

We sent Mary off to go find herself an orgasm By Any Means Necessary as long as it didn't involve any of us, who were still drinking. I stopped by the room in which she and co-conspirator Lara were ensconced. I heard someone giggle the phrase "stop making me laugh!" and walked away.

In the end, I'm afraid it was truly anticlimactic.

Mary returned, having gently placed the Heavy Love Balls in her butt when the time was ripening, then slowly pulled them out when her own climax hit.

"I think these might be good for a different kind of person," she said. "I'm not an ass balls kind of person."

"That is what I have read," someone said.

I asked her to describe why she thought someone might like these balls. Why someone chose to color them blue, why someone chose to make me think I'd slopped Sambuca over the side of the glass, why someone made them smaller than my own balls so they would not be threatening.

Mary thought a minute and said, "When Katsumi pulls them out of her ass, it looks like a magic trick without the rabbit."

· Adam & Eve Heavy Love Balls (adameve.com)


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Previously: Marital Aid Test Kitchen: Pink Indulgence Massage Wand, Porn Valley Dispatch Archive