Best of Sex Advice

While the Best of Sex Advice team waits with bated breath for the Jenny McCarthy column in FHM to hit newsstands and revolutionize sex advice as we know it (after all, the hotter the columnist, the better the advice... right?), we're resigned to plodding through the same old earnest, screwed up, bizarre, occassionally ignorant and titillating in that way we're not 100% comfortable with admitting openly to our therapists sex advice as usual.
-A. Tolesco

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allsexadvice.com, Expert Advice:

My girlfriend lovesssss it when I blow on her face but she thinks I dont have much cum. She wants more on her. Is there anything I can eat or pills I can take to have bigger loads (on her face....hehe)

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CollegeSexAdvice.com, Mom's Advice:

Mom always wanted you to look on the bright side and be grateful for what you had. Given the population rates in third-world countries, it's obvious that people there are getting it on, but the point is, if you take a look around your office or dorm, we're sure you can find someone less fortunate to compare yourself to. Your current girlfriend or boyfriend may look about as tempting as tuna helper right now, but at least you've got something on your plate.

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DrDrew.com, Dr's Office:

Can you use Coke as a douche after sex to kill sperm?

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Literotica.com, Ask Aspasia:

I have a very unique problem. I am a 22-year-old man with a very high sex drive; however, I seem to find vaginas very unappealing. Just the sight of them makes me want to cringe. I find I cannot touch them except with my penis (which sometimes even takes a force of will), and I certainly cannot give a girl any oral pleasure.

Here is where it gets tricky. I am 100% heterosexual. I find women incredibly attractive, and I am no different from any other man in that respect. I have absolutely no attraction to men whatsoever. After deep introspection I have concluded that I am not gay, but if I were, I would not have a problem with it. In fact I almost wish I were gay, but I tried that and I have found that homosexuality is definitely not a choice. Vaginas are very disgusting to me, even by sight alone. I don't know what to do. I can't seem to have a healthy sexual life, and most likely cannot please anyone but myself during sex because of my problem. What can I do?

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Advicegoddess.com, Amy Alkon:

A lot of guys hate bought boobs, but maybe you could've lived with your girlfriend's if she'd opted for the medium instead of the Supersized. Being with a girl with freakishly huge fake breasts is a bit like being a celebrity -- the negative bit, that is. Just as Cindy Crawford can't pick her nose in public without it making the international press, you can't get a cup of coffee without the guy behind the counter asking your girlfriend's nipples if he can take their drink order.

Unless her sweater hippos spring a leak, they aren't going to get any smaller -- and neither will your feeling that they're ugly, tacky, and embarrassing. Where you went wrong was in being so eager to make it work with her that you ignored your feelings, pretending that you might someday have the hots for what grosses you out. You may like her, and mostly enjoy being with her, but there's a part of her you just can't accept -- the part that paid thousands of dollars for a look that screams "Hooters is hiring!"

The right time to end this was the moment you saw the pontoons bursting out of her tiny top and felt the impulse, not to dive in, but to cover them with a tarp. Well, better way too late than even later. You don't have to reveal what you really think of Dr. Frankenstein's work. Just tell her you're a low-key guy, and you're always going to feel out of sorts with the crowds she draws with her chest. In the long run, she'll be happier with somebody whose aesthetic ideal runs more to the circus-sized -- as will you, once you find a woman whose idea of beauty isn't looking like the gas station attendant stuck an air hose down her bra and went to lunch.

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Time Out NY Get Naked:

I am a 32-year-old hermaphrodite who has fantasies about both males and females. I have been married for three years, and my wife knows nothing of my fantasizing. I don't want to hurt her, because she has been so understanding of my physical condition. I obviously can't satisfy her in bed, therefore we use dildos! I also have transsexual fantasies and have recently gate-crashed a Rocky Horror Picture Show party just to get some action! Yes, it's true, you may laugh, but my disability is not funny, nor should it be a subject of a magazine column. However, I feel there is no other place to vent my distress. Is it strange that I am a bisexual married hermaphrodite, who fantasizes about transsexuals and who has to satisfy my partner with inanimate objects designed for all?

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ivillage.com, Ask Anka:

Yesterday I came home from work and found my husband wearing my nightie and underwear. He is insisting that he just grabbed them when he got out of the shower. Obviously, that's not true. I thought he was cheating because we rarely have sex anymore, but now I don't know what to think. What's going on?

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AskHeartBeat.com, Dear Ms. Heart Beat:

So, if it wasn't your fault, then who is it that you want to blame?

Newsflash honey. The ONLY person responsible for your actions or lack of action is YOU. Not your Mom, not your Dad, not your little brother, not your ex-boyfriends. YOU. And this type of acceptance - taking responsibility for your actions - is the first step on the path to growing up and becoming an ADULT WOMAN.

You were piss pants scary and afraid, and now you lost out. No need to waste your time being jealous and hurt! You brought this all on yourself by allowing fear to control your mind! This young man had the courage to tell you how he felt and for that I commend him. But you, you just sit there being a big scaredy cat baby and thinking folks are going to wait on you forever to DO SOMETHING.

Life is moving forward honey! You either get on the train and ride it, or you sit at the platform whining about how scared you were to get on the train! You have to decide which one of those you are going to do in life, because you cannot both!

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Previously: Best of Sex Advice Archive