Marital Aid Test Kitchen: Pleasure Pearl Masturbator

Last weekend we were sitting around talking about a friend of ours. He's in this relationship that everyone can tell is bad news; they don't seem right together, they don't laugh, they don't make eye contact. Though her breasts distract the rest of us, they can't be the only thing keeping him hanging on, can they? Can they?

Knowing the danger of telling our friend X that girlfriend Y is Bell Biv DeVoe-level poison, I was able to slip him this Pleasure Pearl Masturbator (with encapsulated orgasm balls) in an attempt to convince him there is a condo payment-free alternative. View the results after the gap.
- G. Ponante

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"It doesn't say you need lube," Friend X complained of the jelly-like contrivance with fingerholes on one end and little spheres suspended within. "I couldn't get myself in there."

Someone was dispatched to get lube. His girlfriend would be returning in two hours. The lube courier returned in 40 minutes.

"Where do I put the lube?" he asked.

"On yourself and in the device," he was told.

"Which end?" he asked.

Maybe he should stay in this relationship after all. We examined the wriggling thing. Indeed there were holes on both ends. But one hole was to put a thumb or, I supposed, a cheese-filled Combo.

"The part that looks like a vagina," I suggested.

Readers, the next part might disgust you.

Friend X returned after 30 minutes and offered the following account:

"First I had to get myself hard, no thanks to that movie you gave me ..."

"What's wrong with 'The Killing Fields'?" I asked.

" ... and then I spent five minutes whacking myself against the thing trying to get inside it. Finally I figured out that I was supposed to stretch the opening around myself, which I did. So there I am, with this thing that looks like a gray bowl of jello around me, and every time I move it up or down some lube shoots out the other end."

"That's what happens when a man and woman love each other very much," he was told.

"But the effort to get me ready for it was ridiculous."

"What about the encapsulated orgasm balls?" I asked, notebook in hand.

"I think they got in the way," he said, and then: "Where do you want this?"

He produced the used PPM (one is supposed to wash it with liquid bacterial soap and water after each use) and plopped it on a picnic table. Believe me when I say that people scattered.

"Love isn't pretty," he concluded.

· Pleasure Pearl Masturbator (adameve.com)

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Previously in the MATK: Rabbit Rider, The G-Spot Hot Handle, Heavy Love Balls, Pink Indulgence Massage Wand, Porn Valley Dispatch Archive