Marital Aid Test Kitchen: Doc Johnson’s Cuddles™

Doc (not a real doctor) Johnson sends along his Cuddles™ combo cock ring/clit stimulator from his workshop out back.

"Cuddles™ is a vibrating soft jelly cock ring with an attached soft jelly clit bumper" reads the attached prospectus. But does America think it's ready for all that jelly?

Read our thoughtful opinion after the gap.
- G. Ponante

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This is a cynical age, and I am a man of my age, nothing more. So when I saw that one of the images accompanying Cuddles™ press release was labeled "cuddlespurp.jpg" I could not help but think of someone named Cuddles™ in a police lineup, shuffling in and out of a waiting van with ankles chained loosely together.

How the folks at Doc Johnson trademarked the word Cuddles™ also aroused suspicion, unless they actually trademarked something like Cuddles Combo Cock Ring/Clit Stimulator for Special Ladies™.

But I needed to put my doubts to rest and do my goddamn job.

The first thing I noticed was: They weren't kidding about all that jelly. A fellow who could manage to not disengorge his partner's labia while fumbling with the slimy device (Cuddles™, not the labia) would surely be masterful enough not to need Cuddles™ in the first place.

But what of the nubs? you might well ask.

Ah, the nubs. It is "rows of soft nubs that press against the clitoris during vaginal intercourse" that really set this device apart from other sex toys named after horses you might meet during a visit to the Make A Wish Foundation.

A small vibrating bullet is inserted (I'm assuming after the laughter dies down) into the nub-ridden clit bumper section that can be remotely controlled to oscillate from a "steady purr to an energetic buzz".

I tell you, it all seems just a little too insubstantial, what with all the jelly and the infernal buzzing. If the sound were described as "lusty, full-bodied, and cock-jarringly throaty" I might be interested.

(Also, if it weren't called Cuddles™. What kind of person puts something on himself called Cuddles™? Why not Wallop™ or Soundgarden™ or Traktor™ or soemthing?)

· Doc Johnson (docjohnson.com)

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Previously in the MATK: 2 Tone Dual Delight, 5-in-1 Finger Vibes, Pleasure Pearl Masturbator, Rabbit Rider, The G-Spot Hot Handle, Heavy Love Balls, Pink Indulgence Massage Wand, Porn Valley Dispatch Archive