DVD Review: “Britney Rears 3: Britney Gets Shafted”

And you thought Fleshbot had sold its soul to the alt kids.

According to the thousands of press releases we've been receiving for months, this is the most important "Britney Rears" film ever. When popshot princess Britney (played by the indefatigable Hillary Scott) uses an eBay-acquired time machine to travel to 1974, nothing is sacred—not even the Prime Directive.

Your historical notions of Britney Rears from the first two installments will be turned on their heads, set on fire, and then the fire will get its face comed on (I consulted my Strunk & White to make sure that usage was correct). Read the review after the gap.
- GP

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Britney Rears 3: Britney Gets Shafted

Director: Will Rider
Cast: Hillary Scott, Alana Evans, Jasmine Byrne, Naomi, Jenna Presley, Victoria Sweet, Kat, Tommy Gunn, Melissa Martinez, J. Depth, Kurt Lockwood, James Deen, Johnny Castle, Marco Banderas

Review by Gram Ponante

In this latest installment of the "Britney Rears" franchise, Britney winds up in the Hustler Studios circa 32 years ago and is mistaken for 70's star Bridget, who is the co-host, with a man named Shafted, of a TV music program.

"Where am I?" she keeps saying, but she is caught up in the smoke and fat beats of "Shafted '74". I, too, was swept away; in that there wasn't a sex scene for about seven minutes, I'd forgotten this was a porn movie.

That is soon rectified when, backstage, "Shafted" director Tommy Gunn takes care of two below-the-line assistants in his dressing room. Hollywood never changes! The production staff did its work, too; when Gunn comes in the eye of Kat, she wipes it away before putting her fingers in her mouth. That would never happen today.

Many of the stars of this movie are of color. J. Depth as Shafted has some good lines, such as "'74 could be a good year for the bofe of us. I am the President of the United States of Love." Shafted, you see, likes to sample the talent. And I don't mean 'sample' like a hip hop song, because the Sugar Hill Gang wouldn't be around for a few more years, I mean 'sample' as in do sex with.

The voiceover narrator, who explains things after they have happened, makes love to his microphone.

"Man this is some serious SHIT," he says. "Britney and Jenny have no idea where the FUCK they are."

Britney and Jenny struggle their way through the show, trying their best to come to terms with the perils of Time. Only the release of sweet lovemaking will ease the tension, but director Will Rider and writer Jeff Mullen do not grant this to Britney. Yet.

Instead, a 3-on-1 scene featuringh a trio led by dancer Alana Evans descends on teen heartthrob Johnny Castle. The same thing used to happen to David Cassidy.

Finally, in order to get her time machine back, Britney submits to Shafted. She disappears in a puff of smoke and returns to Our Time, where her roommate has been lamenting to James Deen. "Do you need a towel?" he asks, for she still has 1974's soil playing about her face.

She realizes she has forgotten Jenny, and zooms back. Somehow, she winds up in her own house, but in 1974. Jenny is fucking "a Disco Inferno dude" (Marco Banderas), and Britney leaves her to fend for herself. Fend she does. She fends the living shit out of him. Yet her afro remains untainted.

Roommate Presley then consoles James Deen, who is still worried about the towel. Back in 2006, Britney services Kurt Lockwood. As the movie wraps up, we might catch a glimpse of the narrator getting on Britney's (actually Larry Flynt's) private jet.

It has all worked out fine for Brtitney in the end, but at what cost to the Space/Time Continuum? Fuck the Continuum, I always say.

· Britney Rears (britneyrears.com)
· Order: "Britney Rears 3: Britney Gets Shafted" (adultdvdempire.com)
· See also: Contest: Riding in Cars with Hillary Scott