Marital Aid Test Kitchen: I Rub My Duckie

As you know, we live in a post-sexual age, and we are post-humans. How else can I explain why I am not allowed to comment sexually on the Juicy sweatpants you're wearing to work that do nothing to cover your Ass-o-phile thong?

Therefore you will not be surprised when sex toy companies winkingly sell innocuous and wholesome items as marital aids.

Read more about the "I Rub My Duckie" vibrator after the gap.
- GP

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This "personal massager" (find me a "group massager" and I'm going to move to Orange County and live in "an apartment complex for couples") should first be judged on how it works in one's tub and only then be considered on how well it works on one's vagina or prostate.

First we unpacked the rather heavy (about a pound) duck and inserted the two supplied AA batteries. The batteries were installed by means of unscrewing a plate at the bottom of the duck. Then we filled the sink (alas there are no shower facilities, despite our constant entreaties for same, at the Fleshbot Porn Valley compound) and dropped the duck in.

It floated.

Then we pressed, with our thumbs, a subdermal button at the top of the duck's spine (if ducks indeed have spines - the vertebracity of ducks is not our area of expertise) and the duck thrummed to life. The solid state of the toy as well the tight seal of the battery compartment made the duck vibrate nicely, without the feeling one gets with other vibrators that they are going to rock into bits, as James "Scotty" Doohan would often fear of the Enterprise.

We dropped the purring duck into the sink. It still floated.

I will admit that no one was around to accept a beak into her parts, and it was too early and I was too sober to try anything on myself.

I will say that I Rub My Duckie is a perfect Stealth Sex Toy for post-sexual post-humans. One could keep this duck atop one's workstation for a vigorous coffee break self-tryst (the only speed is QUACK) or even, brazenly, by the bathtub itself and no visitor would be the wiser. As there is no visible on/off switch and since the thing actually floats (as opposed to the Hitachi Magic Wand - boy was that embarrassing at the baptism), it is a practical home decoration.

From now on, whenever you wear those "Make Way for Ducklings" panties to work, I will know exactly what you mean.

· I Rub My Duckie (adameve.com)

Previously: Porn Valley Dispatch Archive