Marital Aid Test Kitchen: King Kong Dildo

Doc (not a real doctor) Johnson has created an abomination in the form of a challenge. This 10-lb. 21" long purple dildo was probably what Father Lancaster Merrin had in mind when he said "I think the point is to make us despair. To see ourselves as... animal and ugly. To make us reject the possibility that God could love us."

Read our review of the King Kong Dildo after the gap.
- GP

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Imagine McDonaldland's Grimace, an amorphous purple hulk jacked up on the lead paint that used to line souvenir glasses. Imagine, then, his evil gaze turning on you. This is the fear with which I was filled when I realized the box jammed cruelly into my mailbox contained not several items but one.

"Only Grimace could have a cock this big," I reasoned.

Adam & Eve has renamed this toy The King Kong Dildo, but it was originally known as The Great American Challenge, and its packaging says that it is sold as an adult novelty only. I wonder what sort of legal trouble the dildo's makers were trying to avoid with that disclaimer. Might someone have accidentally used it to teach school?

I showed the King Kong Dildo to my neighbor. He asked, "Could it be returned if it didn't fit?"

As I spent more time getting to know the device, I realized that today's porn stars, what with their gaping and whatnot, could probably take this thing on with a little spiritual preparation. My wife said the same thing.

"I'd have to really work," she said.

"I don't want you to work that hard," I said. "For those flimsy t-shirts Gawker Media pays me with?"

Even in Adam & Eve's official literature, the always-game Carmen Luvana cannot stand up straight with the thing in her hands. For one to have a meaningful relationship with it, one would have to grow extra stabilizing arms, like a saguaro.

Finally, it's bigger than a cat.

· King Kong Dildo (adameve.com)

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Previously: Marital Aid Test Kitchen Archive