Best of the Best of Sex Advice 2006

On the off chance you missed the one about the Venus Vagina Smoke treatment, penis pumping assholes, or the unfortunate brother/sister naked Twister incident, we've poured through our archives for a special year-end edition of our Best of Sex Advice feature. Not only does this stuff make for killer New Year's party banter, but we have it on excellent authority that the online sex advice explosion was a deciding factor in that whole "You-are-the-TIME-person-of-the-year" hoo-haw.

Whether it was naive, illuminating, vulgar, wise, misguided, or just plain stupid, you'll find our cream of the crop for 2006 after the jump.

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Nerve.com, Miss Information

Don't worry about whether it's normal. There's no entry for that word in the dictionary of sex. That page was ripped out long ago and used by some guy to wipe monkey semen off his rubber thong

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AskIsadora.com, Ask Isadora

In response to the man whose wife doesn't like for him to tickle her feet: I, too, have a foot tickling fetish. I have been married for 14 years and lived with my wife for four years before that. I tickle her feet every day. Can you imagine having your feet tickled every day for the past 18 years? Anyway, your suggestion of a horse trade is brilliant. I do that with my wife all the time. Once a month I take her to the nail salon for a pedicure. She loves the attention she gets at the salon. I even pay the girl extra if she tickles my wife's feet. On the way home I have my wife sit in the back seat with her feet on the arm rest of the front seat and tickle her feet all the way home. We also place bets with each other: if she wins she gets to do whatever she wants to me; if I win, I get to tickle her feet for 5 minutes. My wife is always late for everything. If I tell her she has to be ready at a certain time and she is late I tickle her feet 1 minute for every 2 minutes that she is late. Maybe this is a system to help this poor guy out.

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The Stranger, Savage Love:

No disrespect to sperm licker-uppers or urine drinkers everywhere, but it's entirely possible that the president can be counted among their number. A person's political leanings, competence, and command of the English language tell us very little about their sexual conduct. Indeed, one study in the mid-'90s found that conservatives were kinkier than liberals. And as we've seen time and again, folks who bitch about the sexual perversions of others are frequently perverse motherfuckers themselves. Which means it's possible that the president licks Dick Cheney's sperm off the ground three times a week, and that you, Mike, long to drink a tall, warm glass of Bill Frist's urine. You just never know

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Redbook, Let's Talk About Sex:

I have a serious problem! Recently my husband has been all over me in front of our 16-year-old son. In full view of our son, my husband will squeeze my breasts, my butt, etc. Yesterday he reached up my mini skirt and pulled my thong down to my knees. My son was so embarrassed he was almost in tears. How do I deal with the newfound attention and affection that I get from my husband, which I love and which has vastly improved our sex life, while saving my son from the embarrassment?

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AskMen.com, Ask Damien:

I always wanted to experiment with putting liquids in my rear; is this unsafe or risky? The kinds of liquids I had in mind would be like lotion, baby oil or condiments like vinegar, barbeque sauce, ketchup, olive oil, or a tiny bit of Tabasco sauce (just to feel what its like). Do you have any comments on this?

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Dear Amy, Sex Advice for the Modern Player:

How can you tell if he likes you? Here are some investigative techniques for you to use:

1. Next time you take a shower, leave the door open. Does he walk in? Does he check you out while pretending to brush his teeth or pee? These are signs he may be attracted to you. (Does he ask you to keep the door closed in the future? Be a polite roommate and do as you're asked.)

2. Jerk off on the living room couch at a time when you know he's going to come in to watch tv. Apologize profusely when you're "discovered." Does he seem aroused, or just annoyed? If he's annoyed, don't ever do it again. But if he's aroused, hey...

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Council of the 12 Apostles, Steps in Overcoming Masturbation:

In the field of psychotherapy there is a very effective technique called "aversion therapy". When we associate or think of something very distasteful with something which has been pleasurable, but undesirable, the distasteful thought and feeling will begin to cancel out that which was pleasurable. If you associate something very distasteful with your loss of self-control it will help you to stop the act. For example, if you are tempted to masturbate, think of having to bathe in a tub of worms, and eat several of them as you do the act.

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Time Out New York, Get Naked:

I recently took advantage of a unique opportunity to share an intimate weekend with an ex-boyfriend's father. What struck me most about the experience was how remarkably similar the penises of father and son were. Both grew from about 2.5 inches soft to 7.5 inches hard. Both had the same thin shaft with the same mushroom-shaped head. Both had the same Ping-Pong-size balls. So my question is: Does a son always inherit his penis entirely from his father? While I've never seen my own dad hard, I know our soft cocks look pretty similar. Is a well-endowed man guaranteed to pass on to his son his due birthright? Or should he ask his bride's father for some sort of proof that the family jewels won't be squandered or diluted? What a way to nurture a meaningful relationship with one's father-in-law!

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iafrica.com, love & sex advice:

Is you nose, sinus somehow linked to your sexual organ (penis). I read this article in the newspaper, called sex slave, where a couple used vaigra, and one of the side effects of this drug is that it builds up mucas and the nostril was called a secondary sexual organ. Whenever I climax, my nose tends to close up, and I always thought it was because of the intensity of my orgasm. Is the female also linked in this manner, if it is linked some how?

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Love Talk Forums, Sexual Q&A:

im just worried about going to my mom about getting on birth control b/c shes the kind of mom who thinks that i shouldnt be having sex until after im married!. but my friend's mom has gotten her daughter and like 8 of her friends on perscription birth control and im wondering if i should go to her and ask her if she can do the same thing for me

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askkrista.com, Ask Krista:

I have visited your site today as i have some question. I am a boy from india & soon going to marry. I want to ask that my wifes vagina is very dark in colour & the rest part of her body is very fair. Please provide us your suggestion to lighten the colour of her vagina.

Can she use bleach at vaginal part?

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Time Out New York, Get Naked:

Ever since a recent colonoscopy, I've become obsessed with the deep pleasure that a high colonic can provide. I've improvised a shower device using a turkey baster and some rubber hosing that works quite well, provided your sphincter's in good shape. While my orgasms have taken on a new and astonishing power, I find myself disinterested in what had been my regular sexual pursuits. Although I've opted for full disclosure, my girlfriend is dismayed, our sex has become lackluster, and the tub of bleaching instruments on the bathroom floor is a bit of an eyesore

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Caned In Totnes, Ask Dr. Hump:

There comes a time when every girl will invite you to a fish supper feast with the tang of the sea and plenty of batter. The rule goes like this:

If your snogging is crap
You'll never get a flap snack
If you are an excellent kisser
You'll be fine at licking her pisser

The principles to muff diving are essentially the same as French kissing on the lips, I'm sure you'll be fine my lad. Enjoy your fur burger and remember, if you do a good job then she'll let you progress to 4th base in no time.

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My Messy Bedroom, Dear Josey

When I called the spa, a lovely woman named Ildi explained that the Venus Vagina Smoke was a part of their two hour Balinese beauty ritual, usually reserved for brides-to-be and apparently quite the rage in the spa world these days. The woman sits naked in a chair with a hole in the seat while a bowl of seeds and herbs is burned under the hole. The smoke that wafts up into her vagina is meant to stimulate and disinfect the region so she'll be all randy and, I guess, er, disinfected for her big night.

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Puckerup.com, Anal Advisor

My boyfriend and I recently discovered the pleasure of penis pumping, and I'm thinking of getting a vaginal pump. But lately I have been using my guy's penis pump on my asshole, and I love the sensation and the feeling. I was wondering if you have ever done this, and if it is a safe practice?

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The Stranger, Savage Love

I'm a newly lactating woman who would like to recoup some of the many expenses associated with having a child. I'm wondering if there are places that sell human breast milk to fetishists (I'm sure they're out there). I looked online but couldn't find anything. Also, is there any reason I'd be arrested for doing this?

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Literotica.com, Ask Aspasia:

I have a very unique problem. I am a 22-year-old man with a very high sex drive; however, I seem to find vaginas very unappealing. Just the sight of them makes me want to cringe. I find I cannot touch them except with my penis (which sometimes even takes a force of will), and I certainly cannot give a girl any oral pleasure.

Here is where it gets tricky. I am 100% heterosexual. I find women incredibly attractive, and I am no different from any other man in that respect. I have absolutely no attraction to men whatsoever. After deep introspection I have concluded that I am not gay, but if I were, I would not have a problem with it. In fact I almost wish I were gay, but I tried that and I have found that homosexuality is definitely not a choice. Vaginas are very disgusting to me, even by sight alone. I don't know what to do. I can't seem to have a healthy sexual life, and most likely cannot please anyone but myself during sex because of my problem. What can I do?

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Scarleteen.com, Infection Section:

I was told that swallowing the male's ejaculation (cum) will increase the breast size of women. This came from my European friends, many years ago. What is your opinion?

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Salon.com, Sex Advice From Guitar Gods (CC DeVille):

For me, making love is better. I get more out of it. Something could be said for just plain fucking the person you love. Sometimes if I'm in a lovely-dovey mood, before you know it my girlfriend is putting my face in the toilet and saying, "Get out of the freaking mood, man! I want to fuck like a pig now! Put on your rubber dress again!" "Yes, mom." If you're with the person you love, it's all good...

If you're going to base a relationship on sex, there's no substance there. The thing is, I'm learning too, so I don't want you to think that I'm coming from this grand wisdom. These are just things that I'm actually thinking about because I'm sober. As opposed to, "Oh no, I stink 'cause I'm fucking high and it didn't occur to me to shower, but it's okay because Jim Morrison stunk. Now suck my dick." That's kind of gross. A lot of this rock star shit is just an excuse to be a pig. The only reason I know that is because I did it.

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Muslim Wake Up!, Relationships & Sexuality:

I don't even want to be an imam, so my nearly monastic lifestyle is a bit much. How can a cute, fun, smart Muslim rebel find someone without putting my standards six feet under?

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Time Out Chicago, In & Out:

My girlfriend lives out of town and we see each other every few weeks. She enjoys performing oral sex on me and swallowing my semen. One night, while talking long-distance, she suggested that I masturbate in her absence, and collect and freeze my loads in a jar for her to swallow the next time she was in town. I thought she was kidding, but thought, "Why not?" I got a small glass jelly jar, washed it out thoroughly and got to work. After each shot, I would replace the jar in the freezer. My question is: Are there any health issues we should worry about? I have been tested and have no STIs or HIV, and I do not have sex with others. I've tried Internet research, but as far as I know, we've hit on a unique sex practice here. I worry about spoilage and bacteria. I know this is pretty far out, but she gets so turned on by the practice, and I get so turned on seeing her get so turned on by it.

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Philadelphia City Paper, Paper Doll

Assholes never lie, and the fact that Ex's was all clenched up meant it wasn't ready. "Wait until his mangina winks at you," advises one gay buddy. "You gotta coax it open before you can dive in."

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AllSexAdvice.com, Expert Advice:

I have never had a woman sit on my face. Not just sit on it, try to sufficate me with her twat. I ask my current GF if she's ever done it and she said with her ex. At first, I thought cool, she has experience! But when she did it, it was sort of a disappointment. Not because of her, she did it really well for a first attempt. How was she supposed to know I wanted her to try to kill me with it?

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Nerve.com, Miss Information:

Know that just as bad as the two-pump chump is the guy who treats his girl's orgasm like it's a lifesaving mission to find her a kidney.

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AskMen.com, Dr. Zimmer:

A few years ago, when my brother's daughter reached puberty, his wife decided the best way to educate young girls not to be tempted to have premarital sex and risk pregnancy is for parents to demonstrate to them how to satisfy themselves and their prospective partners via mutual masturbation when they are unclothed. He tells me that it seems to have worked wonderfully well. I'd like to see another point of view on this because our eldest daughter has just reached puberty, and my husband is not so sure about this.

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IsItNormal.com, Sex:

is it normal to want your partner to dress up as a subway train operator and have them yell out stuff such as "next station is ____!" and other such things while you have sex... keep in mind that such person does that for a living in the real world...

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Go Ask Alice, Dear Alice:

i am a fifteen-year-old male. in recent years, i have developed a slightly large penis. it isn't huge, only about 7.5 inches hard. the problem is that when limp, it is noticeable through my pants. Sometimes, i am accused of having erections when i do not have them and it is embarrassing when that happens at school. also, at places where that is very unacceptable, like family functions and work. wearing briefs isn't an option because they are constrictive. if i wear baggy pants(which isn't really my style), that helps a little, but then i really do get erections too easily since there isn't anything putting up any resistance. what i really need to know is if there is a comfortable way to hide it that i have not thought of.

p.s.: please nothing involving tape. it pulls off hairs when i take it off, but it does seem to hide it well when it's taped to my leg.

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About.com, Sex Advice:

While our parents were out of town, my brother and I had a party that at the end of the night, the few people left and my brother and I, somehow were then in a game of nude twister. Gasp*

Well, anyway it was an erotic feeling to be doing it, and I was having fun up until the point where it got weird. I was in a spot where my brother was leaning over me while was on my knees and stretched forward, and then another person over him. I could feel his flaccid penis rub against my behind at times, which was unavoidable. I could see it if I looked down between my legs that his penis was getting erect.

It became fully erect after a few more moves, and was pressed on my behind. Then while making a move the person over my brother fell, and they both went on top of me. My brother's penis slipped inside of me, and was there just for a few seconds until they both got up. He just got up as it pulled back out. I'm not sure if he knows it went there.

Should I tell him? It is on my mind and I'm thinking getting it overwith by talking to him, and finding out if he knows or not would get me over it.

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Ask The Couch, Dear Couch:

I am living with my ex-husband. He tells me that he is not interested in sex and describes it as " disgusting and gross" . Recently I found a bottle of liquid incense. The front of the bottle read " jungle juice" . What is this used for? The other night he came home drunk with a friend-a man I had never met. He took off his pants and started dancing in a pair of speedo underwear. All of this strange behaviour is causing me to think that he could possibly be gay.

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Sex Project.com, Alternative Sexuality:

What does someone mean when they describe themselves as like an energy vampire? When they claim they feel they get energy from their sexual partner when that partner comes and that they return it when they come themselves? BTW, this may be related specifically to oral sex - or not, I'm not sure.

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JewishWebsight.com, Kosher Sex:

What are the proper positions for having relations with your wife, also i heard that one is suuppose to hold her ankle aand put his hand on her ear or something?

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Masturbation Forum, Male Masturbation:

About 1 year ago my **** size was about 7.5 inches long fully erected and now it is 6 inches long fully erected.

I know i did it with it fully erected and i used the same ruler at both of the times.

Is this normal or am i just really unlucky?

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Nerve.com, Miss Information:

You don't ask an anorexic for a pecan-pie recipe, and you don't go to your ex-wife for dating advice.

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puckerup.com, Open Up:

I read one of those stories in a really old Penthouse Forum: A guy takes a stick of butter and carves down one end to make it pointy, then sticks it up a girl's butt, and then humps her butt.

This idea really turned me on. (Wonder if that story was inspired by Last Tango in Paris?) But I am not sure if it's safe.

I understand that stuff you stick in your butt can be absorbed into your body, so it seems like a bad idea to stick that much fat, cholesterol, whatever is in a whole stick of butter or margarine into your body...

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Cuckoldplace.com, Forums: