Marital Aid Test Kitchen: The Delldo

Among the innovations announced at this year's Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas was no attempt by computer manufacturer Dell to address the domestic sensual electronics market.

Not unveiled by Dell founder, namesake, and CEO Michael Dell at this morning's keynote address, the Delldo is part of Dell's Gear Up! campaign which also includes a 27" monitor and a "World of Warcraft"-branded notebook computer.

Join us for a preview of the Delldo Home Erotic System that never was (but might well be!) after the gap. - GP

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Conceding that Europeans already enjoy broadband advances like fiber-to-the-home, Dell said that the Delldo, a customizable dual-core "multi-insertion-point web-enabled phallus" was just the thing to keep Americans competitive.

Dell started Dell Computer from his dorm room at the University of Texas, Austin in 1984 with $1,000. The distinctive Delldo design is reminiscent of the UT Longhorn logo.

The Delldo comes pre-loaded with Windows Vista and a webcam with proprietary blogging software for use in Dell's proposed social networking portal, Cock Planet.

"What sets our products apart is customer service," Dell said, acknowledging criticism of help desk efficiency in 2006. "But our consumer model is only aided by the scaleability of our products." To that end, Dell pointed out that "gaping" could be offset by easily-installed upgrades up to six inches in girth and 13" in length.

"And two dollars from each Delldo purchase will go to planting a tree in a managed forest," Dell added, "to offset whatever emissions you or the Delldo produce while using it."

"Enter the future, and let the future enter you," Dell concluded.

(None of this is true. But we can dream, can't we?)

· Dell (dell.com)

Previously: Porn Valley Dispatch Archive