Marital Aid Test Kitchen: Alexa’s Crystal Wand

As the adult novelties business grows, sex toys are sprouting features on a scale previously seen only in devices like cellphones and MP3 players, some more puzzling (and potentially dangerous) than others. Alexa's Crystal Wand, which to my knowledge does not have the magical properties of telling the future or making roomfuls of horny nymphs appear (unless the one I got was a dud), is not outside the purview of gimmicky-ness: it is also an abacus.

The wand is liquid and pearl filled, but the effect is mostly visual rather than tactile: the casing of the toy is hard, so you won't be able to feel the pearls knocking around inside it unless you consider yourself to be the Princess and the Pea type who can feel the tiniest bump in the, er, night. But the pearls move around enough that once you've got it in an orifice (pick one!) you can consult it for assistance in doing simple math problems.

Sure, that whole iPod/phone/PDA/movie viewer thing that is the iPhone is cool and all, but come on: a toy that you can fuck yourself in the ass with and then add up your takeout bill on when you get the munchies afterwards? Now that's progress. - AR

· Alexa's Crystal Wand (erosboutique.com)

Previously: Marital Aid Test Kitchen Archive