Marital Aid Test Kitchen: The Eroscillator

AR - When I first came across this toy a few years ago, I thought the price was goddamned ridiculous (the regular model costs $127.95 while the deluxe one is $182.95), but since then the luxury sex toy market has gone practically through the roof—and with glorified pocket rockets by the likes of Jimmyjane going for upwards of $200, spending slightly less than that to make your acquaintance with the Best! Vibrator! Ever! shouldn't seem like such a big deal. Even if it does look like a cross between an electric toothbrush and an armadillo that's been bronzed.

Read more about why the Eroscillator deserves a place of honor in every well-heeled sex toy connoissuer's bedside fun drawer after the jump.

The Eroscillator falls into the category of "medical toys", and despite the not-completely-serious title of our review series (we don't really test most of these things in an actual kitchen) is indeed a bona fide Marital Aid. Like, doctor recommended and everything - and not "I'm not a doctor but I play one in commercials" doctor-recommended either, but promoted by the indomitable Dr. Ruth. (People still remember Dr. Ruth these days, don't they? Just checking.)

Now, a lot of sex toys come across my desk (er, lap). I give most of them a try or two for the sake of the exacting science that is the Marital Aid Test Kitchen, and then I try to pawn them off on my friends (still no luck with finding a home for the Fucking Love Machine, goddammit). Then I return to my Hitachi Magic Wand, and all is well. But let me tell you, this little bugger has me thinking about tossing my Hitachi. That's some serious shit.

Like the Hitachi, it plugs into the wall, but it's got a nice long cord, which with my luck I'll be accidentally hanging (or erotically asphixiating) myself with in no time. The deluxe version comes with a ridiculous array of attachments, many of which look kind of sinister. The main difference from the Hitachi, other than shape and color, is the fact that true to its name, this sucker oscillates: it kind of wiggles and kneads instead of the fast and shallow thrum of a vibrator. Also, if you attempt to use the Hitachi with a partner, you will not only need to make room for the Holy Ghost between you, but also his tennis racket, while the Eroscillator fits neatly just so.

So is it worth $182.95? Only you can answer that question for yourself. But I'd strongly recommend putting it on your wish list and/or saving your pennies to get one. Those space-saving virtues alone are worth every penny. And if it doesn't work for you as it's intended to ... well, you can probably always use it as a toothbrush.

· Eroscillator (official site @ eroscillator.com)
· Order: The Eroscillator (store @ freddyandeddy.com)

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Previously: Marital Aid Test Kitchen Archive