Marital Aid Test Kitchen: Crystal Stroker with Love Bullet

"Wonder Woman has the biggest clitoris I've ever seen"

... is how you might respond to the invisible cock-squeezing technology employed by this week's marital aid. Unlike many devices reviewed in this institution's virtual pages, there is almost no way for the Crystal Stroker (with Vibrating Love Bullet) to be used by a lady, unless she were to put it to work as a funnel that would further agitate and blend margaritas as she poured them into a glass.

Read our review of this For Men Only product after the gap. - GP

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While "Stroker" is a relatively recent term, male masturbation aids have been around for millennia, first in lamb form and, before that, a duck. So the prospect of sticking one's part into a disembodied vagina simulacrum, whether it be this device or my ex-wife, is not new. What is novel is its transparency in an age when we really need more of it, in our financial institutions, our government, and our sex toys.

The Crystal Stroker is clear, like Crystal Pepsi. Unlike Crystal Pepsi, however (because the pull-tab hole was way too painful), one can insert oneself into it. This is accomplished, we recommend, with the aid of water-based lube. While the lube might cloud the view, one will avoid the unpleasant similarity to humping the underside of the Rubbermaid mat most office chairs roll on.

This product pays only minimal, er, lip service to an actual vagina. Labia are definitely suggested by the item. It improves on the lady (and other stroking devices) by being open-ended; no more is the result of one's exertions left to collect in the hard-to-reach recesses. Like Onan's issue, however, there is a danger of one's seed being caught on the nubbly interior.

This is a doodad that makes no pretense of being Memphis Monroe or Heather Vandeven. It is not shaped and rouged. It rids one of romantic attachments, unless there is a deep-seated fantasy about fucking Wonder Woman in the wreckage of her jet.

It further disregards traditional notions of up and down; one can either head in with the vibrating bullet on the bottom or on the top, depending on where such vibrations are most needed.

· A & E Crystal Stroker with Bullet (adameve.com)
· Topco (topcosales.us)

Previously: Marital Aid Test Kitchen Archive