Marital Aid Test Kitchen: The Hammerin’ Hook

While neither the size nor the hue of last year's King Kong Dildo, Hustler's Hammerin' Hook is still something of which (we're hoping) Audrey Tatou might say "C'est formidable!", if only to hear her say such a thing in such a context.

But unlike the purple behemoth that inspired America's Renewed Love for Grimace, this Hammerin' Hook vibrates without the aid of a seismic event. Read our review after the gap.

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You'd think that two AA batteries couldn't get this thing humming, that you'd need to hook up this slab of a dildo to an array of car batteries, but the very cells that allow my remote control to replay select scenes of "Dirtpipe Milkshakes" over and over are sufficient to invest this gigantophallus with life.

For a number of reasons I wish I had a hundred women trying out this device in close proximity to each other. I would ask them, "Ladies, does the fact that this dildo feels like flesh make the vibrations more credible? Does the otherworldliness of the vibration feel more at home in a plastic dildo?"

I didn't have a hundred women, I had one. And she said, "A plastic vibrator is a tool, so the weird buzzing inside feels normal. But in a fleshy vibrator, it takes some getting used to."

I felt obscene and predatory asking the following question, but ask I did:

"How long did it take to get it in you?"

"Oh, about five minutes," she said.

"And did you have it vibrating the whole time?" I probed.

"No," she said. "In fact, I'd forgotten that it did, it took so long to get in there gently. When I did turn on the vibrator, I started coming pretty quickly, but it was a numb orgasm. It didn't feel real."

This reminded me of a very sexy, but slightly hypospadic, version of The Velveteen Rabbit.

· Buy the Hammerin' Hook! (store.sextoys.sex-superstore.com.com)
· Topco Sales (topcosales.us)

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Previously: Marital Aid Test Kitchen Archive