DVD Review: Julie Simone’s “Audition”

Life upon the wicked stage ain't never what a girl supposes:
Stagedoor Johnnies aren't raging over you with gems and roses!
When you let a feller hold your hand (which
Means an extra beer or sandwich),
Everybody whispers, "Ain't her life a whirl?" - Oscar Hammerstein II

Sorry to burst your bubble, folks. Read our review of "Audition" after the gap.

- - -

Audition

Studio: Julie Simone Productions
Director: Julie Simone
Cast: Gia Paloma, Julie Simone, Master Liam, Krissy, Lystra

Review by Gram Ponante

Gia Paloma is an aspiring actress of the sweater kitten variety, content with reading script sides at home until she is summoned to an audition in L.A.'s mysterious warehouse district. She tints her hair and dresses in such a way that her cleavage appears to be the knees of a fetally-posed Renoir model. The X-Files mood music and ticking clock in the soundtrack bode ill for our heroine, who is shoved to the ground after appearing in front of her auditor. So much for the Hollywood dream.

In another part of the warehouse, naked cage candy Lystra is asked by Julie Simone and Master Liam if she is hungry. She nods. Frankly, I thought something else would happen than Simone whipping out her strap-on. You know, like one of those tasty Trader Joe's chicken pot pies. But that shows how out of the loop I am with the way I keep my caged naked Asians.

"You're not worthy of sucking Liam's cock yet;" Lystra is told, "you have to suck on my plastic one first."

(Even the plastic cock appears to have an angry bite mark on the top of it; this is a bit of dildonic verisimilitude I can do without.)

We pan out to reveal the similarly caged and naked Krissy, whom Liam flogs about the feet and buttocks. Flogging Krissy is not the first thing I would do in similar circumstances, but hey, this is Hollywood. Simone gives the strap-on treatment to Krissy as well, considering the latter is not deserving of Liam's cock, either.

Why they are undeserving I'm not sure. It may have something to do with the expense involved in dressing Liam like "Violator"-era Depeche Mode.

Nothing revealed thus far is too different from the way most reality shows are cast, but I was still intrigued to see what would happen with Paloma.

When we see Paloma again, she is bound and gagged. She is toyed with by the casting directors and, in a nice twist, the script she was reading earlier makes a comeback. We're not sure if she gets the part, but Liam finally gets to do something other than flog people.

I first saw this movie at a bar with the jukebox drowning out the sound. When I received a screener copy, the note attached read "Watch this accompanied by Cheap Trick" (Simone goes against type by being a dominatrix with a sense of humor).

But I should have taken that advice. Audition's sound is pretty poor, and a viewer would be much better served by putting on mood music of his or her choice (aside from "The Flame").

The sound quality also takes away from the effectiveness of the movie - the movie didn't turn out any differently than I'd expected when I saw it with the dialogue restored. Simone and company cast extremely well from several different body types; you can see why these actresses were considered for the role.

I hope Gia gets the part, though. She seemed to want it more.

· Buy "Audition" (juliesimone.com)